In the spirit of brotherly love I thought I’d start an entire category for Things I’ve Learned. You know, to pass along the wealth of knowledge that I’ve acquired thus far in my adventurous life. Maybe adventurous isn’t the right word. Perhaps eventful would be more accurate.
Well then. Here are the first of the tidbits I thought I’d share. Just a few nuggets of knowledge that I’ve picked up at one point or another during this eventful life of mine.
And be sure to stay tuned; this well of wisdom ain’t even close to runnin’ dry.
1. Never buy generic boxed scalloped potatoes.
2. After the age of 25, it’s whole lot harder for your body to bounce back post pregnancy. The term ‘muffin-top’ will take on a whooooooooooole new meaning.
3. Evaporated milk can safely be used 9 months after the “best by” date. Don’t let the brownish lumps fool you.
4. If you run out of disposable nursing pads, maxi pads (cut in half) will do the job.
5. The teenagers working at the theater could care less about the M & M’s you smuggled in.
6. Just about everything tastes better with a splash of fresh lemon juice.
7. The guy you dream of marrying when you’re in high school will likely make your skin crawl when you’re thirty.
8. Don’t bother leaving voicemail for a doctor, plumber, banker, or anyone who works, in any capacity, for the government. They won’t call you back.
9. If, in a moment of panic, you should administer an anal suppository into the wrong end of your infant daughter, she will be just fine. It may take a bit longer to kick in, but she really will be fine. The 911 operator can confirm it if you don’t believe me. As can the paramedics who will most assuredly show up at your door within minutes of your frantic 911 call.
10. Some things–many things–are worth waiting for.