There was this one curve in the road, at least a quarter-mile long. The speed limit was lower on that length of the road, square yellow signs with arrows guiding you around.
It was November and my baby girl was taped, tubed and bundled in the hospital I left behind. It was cold but bright. One of those stark sunny days that I’d come to bear.
There were thoughts–winding strings of them tangled in my head–that left me breathless. Weary. Among them a single, far-off reality that I couldn’t find words to voice: she won’t have children.
I can say it now–aloud–all these years later. But still the weight of it manifests instantly–pressing down and welling up.
Maybe because I couldn’t imagine a worse fate. Maybe because–even at 22–my heart yearned for future grands. Maybe because then it was the one thing so far into the future it was safe to turn over and over without letting go. I’ll never know what it was about that single thought that left me contained. Trapped within it.
We rounded the corner, going home with empty arms. And an equally empty rear-facing carseat, tethered and waiting. We rounded that turn and I spoke aloud my fears but that single one remained lodged somewhere deep.
If ever I make it back and round that same curve again I’ll find it there waiting. The fear I couldn’t voice in that moment. The thoughts that shuffled behind. My eyes will sting and my throat will burn just the same.
Here’s what I’ve learned: time does not heal all wounds. Time can ease and time can soothe and time can wear away the edges. Time cannot heal all wounds.
Some remain long after.
Ever more.
What a blessing you have in her! And she is blessed with you as her mother! Love this!
Why does that jump to the front of our thoughts for our children? I think because our children are the best thing that has ever happened in our lives and since we luv them so much we want them to experience the same things.
Time does not heal all wounds – so true. Especially for mothers.
Your girl is beautiful.
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That litttle girl is one of sweetest things in our lives.
Made my heart ache.
But also – that picture made me grin ear-to-ear. She’s a girl who lives LIFE from head to toe.
Just think of how many people that precious child has made happy and she will continue to do that her whole life.
I remember thinking something similar when my Henry was diagnosed. Time has nearly healed that wound for me…but there are others that will never go away. There will forever be a scar, that may only be visible to me, but it is there and I can run my fingers over it, trying to smooth it away, but it will never be gone completely.
She is lovely, Darcy. She really is.
We’re sort of soul sisters in this one thing, aren’t we?