I’ll probably never forget where I was when I got the call. I have to tell you something, she said. She probably thought she was dropping an atomic bomb of unexpected news. What she didn’t yet understand was that, already, my intuition had stirred up a whirlpool of dread in the pit of my stomach. And then there came confirmation in the string of words I’d hoped never to hear. I’d, in fact, invested sleepless nights and countless prayers and an ongoing dialogue that was both honest and heartfelt in an effort to avoid ever hearing my unmarried daughter utter the words that came next. I’m pregnant. It’s puzzling how two little words can carry with them so much weight. How two little words can press you hard and fast against a wall with absolutely no way to wiggle free. As a mom, I had hopes and dreams for what my daughter might do with her life, but most of them crumbled to pieces when I accepted that my unmarried daughter is pregnant.
I made the blog announcement rather matter-of-factly when I shared our year in review Christmas letter. Having already told the news to most of my real life family and friends, I felt the time had come to go there in a more public venue. And here we are.
If you know my history, you know that I first became a mother at the tender age of 16. And if you’ve been reading my blog long, you might also be aware that I’ve chosen a very forthcoming approach in talking with my girls about my experiences as a teen mom and my expectations of them as they navigate the teen years. You might be curious, then, how I feel about the fact that my unmarried daughter is pregnant.
The short answer reads like a Facebook relationship status: It’s complicated.
It’s complicated because I’ve been forced to embrace something that I’ve always had trouble accepting. That is: I cannot control the choices my children make. I can influence them and advise them and guide them as lovingly as I know how to do and yet, free will. Free will rears its defiant head and mutilates the delicate life I had mapped out for her in my mind’s hopeful eye. A life set apart and notable for its stability, completeness and deeply-rooted joy.
These things I so desperately wanted for her because they were things that I so desperately sought after myself.
I was sixteen when I leaned up against the dingy bathroom wall during a shift at my after-school job. Two little pink lines bled a trail that altered the trajectory of my life. I spent the next ten years chasing fireflies, only for them to go dim before I could grab hold. It was precisely that wealth of failure that convinced me that I could make things different — better — for my girls. I wanted to believe that my experiences would translate into their wisdom. I foolishly believed that I could inform them into a buy-in. The fact that my unmarried daughter is pregnant proves otherwise.
It’s not the path I would have chosen for my daughter, or for my unborn granddaughter. But it is the path we will take. I have chosen to walk it faithfully.
welcomed a beautiful baby girl into our family. That sweet child has brought so much love and light into our lives and I cannot imagine our family without her. My daughter and her boyfriend have not had an easy go of things. There have been ups and there have been downs.
I don’t know you and I don’t know your daughter or her situation. But this much I can tell you: your daughter’s pregnancy is not the end of the world. No matter how she chooses to handle it, the fact that it ever happened will be built into her life’s story. She will come away different. I pray that she will come away stronger and that you will, too.
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This was honest and raw… thank you, as always, for opening yourself to your readers. I imagine your feelings are normal, but I also know that in some ways, you go above and beyond. This baby will be so loved. Your daughter will be so supported. She is truly lucky to have you as a mom–and this little baby will be beyond lucky to have yours a grandma.
Oh, Erin. Thank you. Your comment made me teary but then again, it’s an emotional subject for me. Thank you, friend.
I know this post is old. But I’m going thru this very thing. I’m one big ball of emotions right now. This post does help. Thank you for your transparency.
I am now the very proud “mimi” to a sweet two-year-old, Shonda. It didn’t happen the way I would have hoped, but life typically doesn’t. And you know what? Everything has turned out okay. I hope you are able to find peace in your situation. I know how worrisome it can be.
I wish I was more like you ladies. All I feel is shame, ashamed of her, disappointed and embarrassed of the situation. She is 22 and has made a slew of poor choice since she was 18 but I didn’t see this coming. I was married and 26 when I had her. I feel like I am the biggest failure! I raised her as a single mother (her father and I divorced when she was 12) and I can hear the judgements now. From friends and family and my church. People judge. She is engaged and now they are thinking adoption. So I would have to walk this path with her for 9 months then watch her give it up. I thought we were finally in a great path. I know she loves Christ and so does he but they lied about what they were doing. It’s hard to see any joy in this child and I don’t mean to sound cruel. I think you sweet ladies are incredible but I think more women feel like I do. Ashamed, disappointed, embarrassed & alone. I have a friend who is 29 that just announced her pregnancy on FB. Oh they joy. My daughter will get pity congratulations and that’s not what I wanted for her. Or wanted for a grand child. There is no excitement in my heart for a 22 year old unmarried girl in college who has nothing for herself first. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, ever. Life just gets hard from here. I know I have been a single parent for 10 years now and of course my ex says it’s all my fault. Don’t get me wrong my daughter is beautiful and amazing and I’m thankful she isn’t 16, 18 or even 20. But I don’t want to announce this mess to anyone. It’s a mess. Maybe one day I’ll feel like you but right now the shame of what she has done to her family is overwhelming at best.
I am feeling as you do now. My 22 yr old just told us she’s pregnant. She is unmarried and living with her scrub of a boyfriend who she supports with an insufficient Parttime job. It’s a terrible situation she has gotten herself into and I am torn. She was going to trade school, but will not be able to finish. I am not happy and excited for her, because the family she will now forever be associated with are such bad people.
I can imagine how hard it is. We have adopted daughter, she is 18 , with mental disorder, and maybe pregnant with teenager who hates us for no reason. There is no way she can live with us pregnant and having child with this man. He is not allowed in our house at all after he threatened us . So if she is pregnant she will have to move out . I am old, and cannot take care for her and the baby. I cannot let them live with us. I keep asking myself how this happened, why did I put myself into this situation after having children on my own which are great people. The mental disorder he not treatable by medications. I already spent 7 very hard, very difficult years because of her problem. Now this. I hope she is not pregnant…so far this is nightmare. I do not know what to do.
I realize this is well after the event has happened for you but I am now going through the same situation and have the same feelings, as you did. This will truly be considered a “stain” on the Family tree, as her Bf’s family is a mess, clearly not a family that Anyone would want their daughter to be affiliated with, let alone, have a biological connection to; crime, drugs, addiction, gangs. While we cannot make choices for our children, it’s difficult to not feel betrayed by a child who knows that you made sacrifices to benefit them and yet they walk up to that diving board and make a swan dive, into a pool of sh*t, right in front of you. Throwing away their college education, their future, nothing to their name, knowing You will have to help support them and their new baby and we are supposed to embrace them with open arms and be thankful. I am having a very difficult time feeling this is a joyous occasion. I’m ashamed and all I want right now, is to move the family far away, where nobody knows us. :'(
This post resonates with me. I’m going through this now. The baby’s dad will be nowhere around and I’m worried for my 21 year old daughter doing things by herself. I’m in a relationship for the first time in over 15 years and I’m afraid it’s going to end bcuz of this. Him and I don’t want to start over having a baby around but I’m afraid my 21 year old can’t deal with this on her own. She lives at home. No degree. No real job. Always had everything given to her and how can she get a real job with real money to be on her own. I know it sounds selfish but I see my life going up in flames. And for her…she has so much potential and I’m so mad that she’s throwing it away like this. I’m embarrassed and ashamed. I’ve even been trying to pressure her into termination which makes me realize what a complete a**hole of a person I am. I’m so overwhelmed with all of this and I’m so sad for my kid. How can I embrace this and get happy? How can I offer her support when I get sick thinking about it?
Hello Brie, my daughter is also 22, she just told us her parents last night that will be grandparents. She sat us down l gave us a gift for our 24 year anniversary. Husband opened the gift bag in it found a picture of an ultra sound and a card saying Happy anniversary to the best grandma and grandpa to be, I was shocked and so surprised. Filled with so much emotion I started open my gift bag being very slow and confused in it was a little onesie saying Grandmas little love. My heart dropped I could hardly breathe, I was speechless. I cannot believe it. What happened!! Just like you I wanted the best for my daughter. I stayed home full time for 20 years just so I can raised my children. I feel like such a failure. We’re very close but just I’m so hurt, angry, disappointed and ashamed of the whole situation. I love babies so much, but it wasn’t supposed to be this way. After she left last night to drop Gramma back to her place, her dad broke down in tears and said it is what is. We’re grandparents now and we went ti sleep crying but I stayed awake the whole night. This morning she asked me to join her to her ultra sound, I said I’ll be there. Today will be another day
Right now, I’m with you, Brie, a 2nd time. I just want to scream and cry. There is no joy and excitement of sharing my daughter’s pregnancy. 1st time around, being 22 and single, we say ok, take a breath, we’re going to live and learn. But to be so irresponsible again at 30 and single. She had said she was content with not having anymore children. Which was a good decision for her, because she struggles with every aspect of life. She doesn’t know that I even know yet. So when she tells me, she’s going to want me to be happy for her and I’m not. What I want to say is have you lost your freaking mind.
Thank you for this comment. I have not been told the status of the appointment, as I’ve been out of town. However, just thinking about it made me ashamed, angry, and disappointed too. My daughter will be 24 next month. She and her boyfriend have dated four years, and I do not understand how this happened. I feel lied to. She kept saying he didn’t want marriage or kids til he could afford them. She kept saying no babies without a ring and the same last name. They were practicing abstinence; then, this happened. Her dad and I have been married 25 years. I never saw this coming. It is not the future I wanted for her or the legacy I wanted for me. I got married, and I expected her to. She said she would. Something changed, and I am angry. I do not want any parts of this. I am detached from it all, and I’m not even home yet. Our 19 year old and our 13 year old might think this is okay. I feel like a failure as well. I do not like surprises, and that’s what this is.
Brie, I don’t know how old is you post, but I am exactly in your shoes. I don’t feel really happy about my 23 y.o. single daughter’s pregnancy. I divorced her dad when she was 13. We continued working as a team to provide the best for her, as we did before the divorced. She lied a lot to us about many things: the college she never finished, the “wonderful” boyfriend who ended up being a drug addict, etc.
I love her and the baby. I just feel so angry, ashamed, sad and dissappinted. I don’t trust her and I feel sorry for that baby.
Please let me know how did you do. Did your feelings go away? Did the baby receive what you wanted the baby to receive?
I pray and pray, and I still feel bad and even sad for.my daughter and her baby. I also feel upset because I can’t provide for them as much as I would want to. Why things like this happen,? How do you recover?
I hear your feelings and I sympathize with you. I heard that news when my daughter was just barely turning 19. She shares a baby with a young man who is not of the highest caliber.
First off, it’s not your business what other people think of you or your daughter. It’s our job to care what God thinks. Is he disappointed, probably. A child was brought into this world without a property family, however, as you we’ll know family units can change, no matter how well the beginning intentions were.
Second, shame is not how God sees us. He pricks our hearts to feel low or repentant, but not shame. Shame is Satan’s tool.
As hard as it is, there is a baby coming into the world. A beautiful, smiling, baby who has done NOTHING but grown to be loved.
I didn’t know what my church sisters would think or do, they loved my girl. The biggest baby shower I have ever seen. 2 hours of ope ing gifts. Did we celebrate and do gender reveals and all that jazz? No. Did we help a young girl get on her feet and show her that women of God help each other, not condemn each other? Yes!
As mother’s, we need to get over ourselves and love our daughters. Love them so much that they remember what God’s love feels like.
Your story is my story. Wow. I’m sitting here trying to process all these emotions and I truly believe God led me here. Thank you SO much for sharing your truth…raw, real and so transparent5. You have helped me deal with this journey of being a soon to be grandma at 40 much better. Thank you again! God bless you and your family.
I am going through this right now…there are so many similarities- i was pregnant at 16 too myself…my daughter’s baby is due May 2019…i have went through so many emotions but your article helped me….THANK YOU!- God is definitely using you.
I’m going through this as well. Sleeplessness, crying and so much anger. I wanted so much for my daughter. She’s 19 and a sophomore in college. She’s a student athlete. I provided her EVERYTHING she needed sp this didn’t happen, but she chose to take this risk. I’m heartbroken. Why this, why this child who I’ve given every opportunity and prayed for relentlessly over the years. I want to thank you all for your posts. I pray the best for all of you.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m literally in tears right now because my daughter has just told me she is pregnant and yes she is unwed. All of your emotions I’m experiencing currently. I was a single mother with her and I know the struggle path that comes with this news oh so well…I’m hurt, dissapointed, just all over the place and yet still trying to be the loving and supportive mother I’ve always tried to be. Thank you again.
I am so glad to see all these posts. My 21 daughter just told me she is pregnant and I am in shambles. She can’t even support herself and make herself attend community college. She won’t take depression or anxiety medication, I have always been a fixer BUT I can’t fix this or take her in. I am 5 years into a new relationship and I can’t be that selfish to him and our finances and retirement. Everything will go down the drain. I would or we would let her move in for 6 mos to a year but she and I butt heads and she can be very condescending and rude as everything in this world is always completely my fault.
You are one who truly lives out what it means to be pro-life. You don’t just say it and you don’t sugar coat it. Bravo, my friend. And congratulations! Your whole family will be in my prayers.
Sweet Darcie,
I’m not going to pretend to know what it would be like in your shoes. I do know however, that I have seen you handle situations with a grace that many could only hope for and a wisdom beyond your young years and I have no doubt you will continue that streak. Don’t be too hard on yourself if at times you feel, as you said, a little sad. Your daughter is so incredibly blessed to know that her little one will be so loved by you and that sweet baby is being born into such a wonderful, fun, Godly family. Much love to you all.
On a related note, have you decided your hip ‘grandma’ name yet?! ;)
xoxo
Rachael
Thank you for the encouragement, my friend. You are so missed around these parts!
No news on the hip grandma name front. I like Mimi, but I don’t know if it’s the one. Of course, I have to get Torri’s approval on whatever I settle on. My mom was 36 when I had Torri and all throughout my pregnancy she insisted that the baby would call her “Aunt Michelle.” But then when Torri came, she was instantly thrilled to be a grandma. We’ll see how it goes.
I completely agree with your comment. I would react the same way…dissapointed at first, but lovingly and with open arms. That little girl (it’s a girl right?) is a part of you also and I can’t imagine turning my back on a part of myself, no matter what the circumstances are. Your daughter will have to live with the consequences of her actions and all you can do is be there to love and support her through it.
Unfortunately we’ve had this happen to several of my cousins and their parents made it all to easy for them to keep living their lives after the baby was born – of course, they were younger than 20 when the baby was born. So now the grandparents are raising the child and the “child” mom is still living her teen years like nothing ever happened. Sounds like your daughter is taking her responsibility to the full extent and that is truely a reflection of your parenting – if no other! Congrats Granny! Sore subject or not, you’ll be a beautiful Grandmother – inside and out!
Oh Marleen, I’m going to have to put my foot down on the Granny front. Granny sounds ancient!I will happily accept your compliment, though. Thank you so much.
On a serious note, the story of your family members sound like a Teen Mom episode. I’m so sorry. I cannot imagine what that would be like–such a fine line between putting the baby’s best interests first and laying down the law for a wayward teen mom. Thankfully I don’t have to worry about that with my daughter. She and her boyfriend are eagerly awaiting the birth of this child and I know they will do their best to parent. I just wish she had a little bit more time to herself before she had to make that choice. In any case, she is in for a the experience of her life!
Darcie,
Brilliant thoughts and so eloquently expressed. My first longtime girlfriend after moving to Orlando was in the same situation, and she was 20 when she gave birth to her son. We dated for a long time, and I still keep in touch with her. Her son is now a wonderful 19 year old with a great big beautiful world ahead of him. Her parents and family were just as supportive as you. That incredible support made a difference in her life, her son’s life and the lives of everyone they have touched.
Thanks so much for your comment, Gary. I cannot imagine what it would be like to face such a monumental change without the support of loved ones. I know that it happens to a lot of people but typically those stories don’t have endings as happy as the one you shared. Also, bravo to you for dating a single mom! I’ve been in those shoes and I know a few guys who wouldn’t step up to the challenge.
You and I have already talked at length about this. Our gifts from God do not always come packaged like we wish…they are gifts none the less. Loved your honesty. Yeah, I’m not big on Granny either. That being said, sometimes the little ones choose our names and they are precious. Love you friend.
Every feeling you described makes sense:) The sadness, the hopefulness, the readiness. And you’re right to be proud of Torri for accepting the challenge of motherhood – it’s great her boyfriend is excited too. Of course, the way I like to look at it the most is: it’s a blessing. The blessing of a beautiful unique soul whose life will glorify God. And you’ll be a part of that life, enriching it with your own beauty. Yay! Congratulations:)
You said it perfectly, Molly. “A unique soul whose life will glorify God.” How could that be anything but a blessing?
Wow! Such sincerity. I love reading your posts, Darcie. I can’t imagine how I’d react, but I feel certain I would be supportive, like you. May this sweet little life be perfect!
Thank you, Julie. I suspect she will. ;)
I am a regular reader of this blog although I have never posted a comment but I felt compelled to after reading this post. As a soon-to-be mum in the very early stages of pregnancy I can relate to everything you have said. Although I can probably relate more to Torri at the moment and this post reflects that.
Although I am 30, happily married and expecting our, planned for, first child, I don’t think I could do this without the support and love from my parents, particularly my mother. I am so nervous, gripped with fear that something could still go wrong, questioning every twinge and every lack of twinge at the same time. I have daily questions on how I will be as a mother, will I rise to the occasion? I have hourly questions on pregnancy, is what I am feeling normal, what can I expect from my doctors visits, how will I cope with growing this precious life? This is all so new, so terrifying and so exciting at the same time.
To know that I can turn to my mother in this time of my life is so important, she gives me something that my husband could never do – in spite of how wonderful, amazing and supportive he is. She gives me the knowledge and wisdom of having been there before. No question is too trivial or too embarrassing, no fear seems too ridiculous and no crazy hormone induced emotion seems too unusual in her eyes.
I just wanted to say you are doing amazing. Of course the news, I am sure, came like a bolt from the blue, and the initial disappointment at the timing, rather than the baby, was to be felt, but you are there for Torri. I hope, in fact I am sure, she appreciates the support that only you can give her at this time.
On an ending note my mother was a very young mum, who feel pregnant out of wedlock at just 20 and the result was me. My dad and her have been happily married for 30 years and went on to have two more children. My younger sister has also just recently married and I expect we should soon have some exciting news about her first arrival – so your granddaughter could well be the one to ‘break the cycle’.
Health and happiness to Torri for her pregnancy and the arrival of your first grandchild.
First of all, Karen, congratulations on the impending arrival of your first child! And secondly, thank you so much for commenting. I remember being pregnant for the first time and feeling those same feelings of curiosity, fear and excitement. It is definitely a momentous time in any life.
Thank you so much for your encouraging words. I prayerfully hope that Torri and her boyfriend, too, will look back after a long and happy life together and be able to remark about their beginnings the way your parents can–these thirty years later.
I hope that your first birth experience is a happy one, Karen, and that your child will bring great joy to your family life!
This really made me teary. Being both sad and happy at the same time is a roller coaster, isn’t it? My sister in law had a baby at 19 so I’ve seen this situation up close. My niece is now 14 and a beautiful young woman. You’re right that it’s not an easy road but the baby is certainly a blessing.
So many emotions…expressed so beautifully. We look forward to meeting the new baby when he/she arrives. Love to you and your family.
Your title stopped me in my tracks, and even though I really need to be preparing my Sunday School lesson, I wanted to finally finish reading your post. It has taken me all day!
Everything happens for a reason, and God has given her you as the perfect means of support. I’m still having some trouble accepting that you and Jeff are going to be grandparents!
Your openness and honesty continues to inspire me. There’s a lot of wisdom and love in your words.
Steph
Wow. I’m speechless. My 20 yo daughter (whom I became preg with at 16) came to me today and said she needed to talk to me. I felt a endless pit soar through my gut and the look on my face I’m sure said it all. She said she didn’t know yet but she went to the clinic to get the Norplant I have been begging her to get;as she is doing so well in college and has a chance at a great future, and I did not want a baby holding her back. She said they wouldn’t do it yet since she is…6 days late. She missed her pill a couple times. Both her best friends just had babies and I know she is feeling out of the loop, but I have stressed so many times how she is doing it the RIGHT way…finish college, get married, have a baby. I just have that feeling inside that this time (she has been late a couple times before) this time I think she’s going to have an announcement when she says…”um mom…”
I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know how to react. I have so many emotions in overwhelmed with anxiety!! So I type in “how to feel when my 20 year old tells me she’s preg” and it brought me to this blog…..you said everything to a T how I am feeling, who I was, who I am, how I have raised my kids! I am speechless. I just want to thank you for letting me know I’m not alone. I still am hoping this is a false alarm, but if not… Well… Anew chapter in my life and hers begins. I’m gonna throw up now
I am sick, sick, sick over hearing the news my 21 year old daughter is pregnant. She had a scare last year and I was VERY CLEAR that there are no good choices at this age. She has been living with my elderly mom so that she could have some freedom but still have to help my mom when needed. She was attending community college until she started flunking classes. Her “boy” friend was living there as well but now became her “boyfriend” 6 months ago and now is her “baby daddy” (God I hate that term). He works for a landscaping company and has no money and his family is dirt poor. She was diagnosed borderline Bipolar and is on two medications. She had been on the pill since age 17. The scare last year prompted a long talk about how having a baby any time soon would be a huge mistake on her part. I am finally enjoying my empty nest since my youngest daughter goes away for college and is flourishing, and I am selfishly angry that my quiet empty nest is now going to be disrupted. I assumed I’d become a grandma in my 50’s, not at 46. I have a very good job and don’t plan on raising the baby for her. I always knew my older daughter would be a challenge, she is a mini-me x 10 and with an attitude. She is terrified to tell her father since they are a bit estranged and he has hit some hard times (his own fault) and I don’t even want to know how my husband (my girl’s stepfather since ages 8 & 9) will react. He is old fashioned and is enjoying the quietness of our new country home. I’m not sure how to be happy for her when I know this is the worst thing that can happen to her. I had her at 24 and her sister at 25 and was married and financially secure at the time and was still hard. Advice???
Love her. It’s not about you. “It’s complicated because I’ve been forced to embrace something that I never understood before. That is: I cannot control the choices my children make and, therefore, I can not claim responsibility for those choices.”
God’s grace and mercy are poured out on us daily from the mistakes, the sin, the attempts to control, etc…yet He loves.
Love her. 24 hours at a time if needed. Overwhelming yourself with predictions based on your knowledge or experience will just drive you crazy. So just love her. Each day has enough trouble of its own so deal in the moment, not the past nor the future..today. While it is called today, encourage someone…her. Guide but don’t control. Suggest but don’t boss. Most importantly, listen and don’t talk. Be honest…let each person own his/her own emotions and reactions..that’s what honesty is, right? You don’t know this is the worst thing that can happen….God’s thoughts and ways are higher than ours…Sometimes what is meant for evil, He uses for good. Maybe take a look at what’s driving your fear. Not all children conform to a parent’s ideal of what/who they should be. Love them anyway. We are all made differently and yes, it’s sad that they don’t measure up to our expectations…but we really aren’t the ones they need to need to base their self-worth on..cause sometimes we set the bar a little too high and fail to will them to reach it. Then what? Love covers a multitude of sins…let go of control and disappointment and do your best to trust that anyone can make better choices with time and knowledge. Teach her selfLESSness by example because she will have someone to put first…like loving parents learn to do.
Thanks for the article!
Thanks for your,
Love her letter…
K…thank you! We just found out our 16 year old daughter is pregnant and we are in a fog of grief and loss and disappointment. Your comment is beautiful and is just what I needed to hear.
Your comment help puts things in perspective. I am 61 years old and am seeking peace about my 23 year old stepdaughters announcement of pregnancy. She came to live with my husband and I 6 months ago to work and go to college. She has a great job and was doing well. The baby’s father lives in another state. I work with children for a living and do not want to come home to a baby. I suggested that she find an apartment but her father is opposed. She can afford it as she has minimal bills. I love my daughter and will love the baby and encourage her. I just don’t want her responsibilities and I don’t want to have a wedge in our marriage.
I completely understand you. People tend to say it is selfish to not to want to take care of mentally ill daughter, her baby, and possibly the father. We need break also. It is. It our responsibility to fully sacrifice our lives, health and all for our kids mistakes.
I can imagine how hard it is. We have adopted daughter, she is 18 , with borderline personality disorder, and maybe pregnant with teenager who hates us for no reason. She is not responsible, has moods, needs sessions at psych office every week, is on pill, it said she forgot to take few pills in row….abuses us emotionally, her boyfriend wants to beat up her dad, he trashes me all the time, he has mental problem also. There is no way she can live with us pregnant and having child with this man. He is not allowed in our house at all after he threatened us . So if she is pregnant she will have to move out . I am over 60 now, and cannot take care for her and the baby. I cannot let them live with us. I keep asking myself how this happened, and what to do. I do care for her, but cannot do more. The mental disorder is not treatable by medications. I already spent 7 very hard, very difficult years because of her problem. Now this. I hope she is not pregnant…so far this is nightmare. I do not know what to do. Yes we love them, but that does not solve the problem how to deal with situation. My only advice is to help find place for her to live with the father to go on with their lives. Are they thinking about getting married? At least he works, and I hope he loves her, and has no hate for you.
Hi Darcie,
Your story has touched me in so many ways as I am in a very similar situation. I was a teen mom and now find my unmarried 20 yr old college student pregnant. She is living with the dad and trying to figure out what’s next. I’m working through many different emotions right now but also working through some practical decision making. So far, we’ve supported her by paying 100% of her college tuition. While I don’t want to punish her or make life harder for her, I also don’t want to support her choice to live unmarried and start a family the hard way. Did you continue to pay for your daughter’s college expenses? What were the deciding factors? How much help is too much and what isn’t enough? I just want to do what is right and most helpful on the long run. Thank you for any thoughts!!
Thank you for sharing. I find myself in a confused state and just needed to hear that with a positive attitude all will be ok. Thanks again.
Love this and thank you for sharing!! I find myself sitting here overwhelmed because I also found out recently my 20 yr old college student is pregnant, yes I’m
Disappointed as well as a slew of other emotions including crazy enough…..excitement!!
So my Question is, how do you announce the pregnancy of your 20 yr old college student appropriately?
Any suggestions?
Thank you!
Can we all just create a support group? I have the same feelings as every one of you. My 19 year old daughter, about to start college, is pregnant. Just typing this seems so surreal.
A support group would be good for my husband’s sister. She has been a very hands-on mother and the sole support of her family of 4 more often than not. She is a hardworking shift-working charge nurse. Upon graduation from high school, her adult daughter declined higher education or full-time employment. Her mother gave her an ultimatum. The daughter did not respond, and the mom followed through with eviction. During the first week of exile, the daughter got pregnant during a one-night stand with a bi-polar unemployed man she met at a bar. Baby-daddy lives with his disabled mother. Grandmom has to bring the grandchild to the father for supervised visitation due to domestic violence.
Baby mama has a restraining order on the baby daddy and, therefore, cannot do it herself. Baby mama and grandchild moved back with Baby mama’s mom. Baby mama cannot support herself or her child. It is not unusual for her to go out after work and leave Mom on the hook. Grandmom works, comes home, and watches the baby because baby mama feels entitled to a break after being with her child for such a long stretch. Baby mama is impatient and assigns malignant motivations to the child whenever parenting is demanding. Baby mama believes her baby has enriched her mother’s life and that her grandma can’t wait to get off work to be with and care for her grandchild. “Mom LOVES it; she doesn’t get tired. She can sleep when he does.” Grandma is exhausted.
Grandma remarked that that little taste of tough love for “failure to launch” sure bit her in the *!$ and that the penalty phase for that parenting failure is endless. Grandma loves the grandchild but not the whirlpool that has become her life. Grandpa is unemployed and does not want to share his space with the needs of a child and bickering adults. He considers the grandchild someone else’s mistake and problem. Adoption was never on the table as baby mama was confident that government subsidies would be adequate and single parenting would not significantly change her life. I feel sick for Grandma and the baby. It seems so unfair. How does Grandma make the best of the situation when no one else will take responsibility? She doesn’t want her grandson to be neglected. There doesn’t seem to be any righting this ship.
It’s always nice to come across a words of kindness and wisdom. I too was pregnant at 16 and married the baby’s father. We have been married for 28 years. Our son and his 21 year old wife brought a beautiful baby girl into our lives 9 months ago. I was and still am concerned about their marriage as she is still very immature and it’s hard to watch.
But that’s not why I’m here now. Yesterday my 20 year old daughter called to tell me she is pregnant. Her boyfriend is very good to her and has a great job to support her and the baby. No worries there. My situation is more of we don’t live in the same state at this moment and I’m struggling with the decision to move back there early before my husband finally retires. Financially we can do it. But I currently have my son and his family living with us to help them as he heads off to boot camp and training. My life has already been flipped upside down when they moved in, that dragging them to the state my daughter lives in is hard for me to process. I honestly just want to run and not tell anyone but my husband lol. The hardest day of my life was the day I had to say “see you soon” to our daughter. It’s been a hard year not seeing her and all those fun things we always did together. Now with this pregnancy I don’t know what to do.
We just found out my 21year old, college student is pregnant. I am taking it in stride. Processing and planning needs. My husband on the other hand blew up on Saturday, cried 2/3 of the day on Sunday and after a beer fest announced it will all be his way or the highway. I was ready to let him go before this. I don’t know what to do. I want to kick his butt out and until he can respect the baby and the rest of us…He can take a hike.
Hi
Thank you so much for the post and also the comments. I recently found out my 20 year old daughter is pregnant. She had battled suicide attempts and depression over the last 2 years so this came as such a blow. However I know that the plans God has fir us are those of peace and not of evil and I rest in that.
It has been a bit complicated as you say and I could not afford to react due to her fragile self so I am trying to keep it together.
Keep up the posts as I was randomly searching for a life line and someone who has been through this and I found your posts.
I welcome a support group :-)
God bless
A
I’m thankful for your posts. This year my world has gone Crazy. We found out at the beginning of the year that my son and his high school sweetie were expecting. They are 23 and 24. Took it in stride, family wedding on Valentine’s Day. He already finished college, she finished in May. All good huh? Then in May my 20 year old daughter and her boyfriend of 9 months announce to my husband and I they are starting their lives and she is expecting. She has always had a tough time in school but had just finished her AA at community college and accepted to university!!!! She is still planning on going! Luckily local so we shall see. But since then she’s moved into an apartment, all of this was planned and promised before baby, our expense while she’s in college. Anyway I’m venting because I just do not see the commitment on his part. He’d rather stay with his parents and have her there, but that’s a whole other complication. He actually helps support them and his siblings. I feel like I need therapy! I was 33 and 35 when I had my kids. Lived a lot of life and career before I had them and it still wasn’t easy. My world is rocked! Thanks sisters for letting me vent and feel not so alone! Support group needed!
My 19-year-old just broke the news to me today. It’s funny though, I knew when she was home last time to visit…well, I didn’t know, but I had that still voice that told me the next time I saw her she would be expecting. So I wasn’t surprised, but I was surpised. If that makes any sense at all. :)
It makes perfect sense, Rose. <3
“I cannot control the choices my children make and, therefore, I can not claim responsibility for those choices.”
God’s grace and mercy are poured out on us daily from the mistakes, the sin, the attempts to control, etc…yet He loves.”
Thanks for this reminder! I’m actually serving as a missionary in a foreign country and my 28-year old daughter, who was already planning her October wedding, is now pregnant. I want to be happy, but I’m a little embarrassed because I know it’s not God’s plan for us. But it’s her life and her choices and I am thankful she’s choosing life because 36 years ago I choose to have an abortion. And I later came to a place of conviction and repentance. Still, how do I graciously share her news?
You do it with the same love and the same grace that our Father extends to us. Saying it is easy. Doing it is much harder, isn’t it? I know you can. Best wishes to you and to your daughter and her future husband.
Thank you for your encouragement. I am in that situation now. My daughter is 18. In her last year of high school. I’m embarrassed ashamed and disappointed. I feel like I failed as a parent. I try to see the positive said but cant.. I havent told by family or anyone, I dont want the judgement. I’m even more angry because I feel my life will be changed and put on hold because of her mistake. Selfish I know…. But we had so many plans and dreams not only will her life be put on hold but mine too. The young man is a sweet boy….but the family will not be much support. I’m praying everyday for acceptance but I still feel cheated. We are a strong family and I know things can and will work out. But right now I’m just angry.
Hey, Teresa. First of all, hugs. I know how you feel. I’ve been on both sides of what you’re dealing with. I’m so glad you were led to my post. I want you to know that I felt exactly the things that you’re feeling. The failure. The shame. The heartbreak. None of it is wrong and none of it is selfish. It’s a process. I hope you find some degree of comfort in knowing that this too shall pass. I promise that it will. And I promise that this will not be the thing that defines your daughter or your grandchild. Or you. Not by any means.
I just found out my 21 y/o daughter is pregnant. I’m dealing with lots of emotions because my path was very similar. I got pregnant while a senior in college, had my son and graduated. While I was pregnant, I met and became very good friends with the man who would become my husband. We have been married 24 years. Those decisions in college are life changing and defining. I didn’t want this for my daughter. I’ve had an open discussion with my daughter about decisions and consequences. There is some loss of not knowing who I would have been had I made different choices in college. I’m working on dying to my feelings and loving her like God has loved me. I keep reminding myself this is my baby and she’s scared / how else can I respond but in love. I must admit, I haven’t made it to the point of excitement yet(she’s 3 months). She is getting excited about the life growing in her and wants to have a gender reveal since the doctors now have confirmed the sex. I feel it’s too soon but it’s what’s she wants.
Any ideas on how to approach this idea? We only told our parents a few months ago and most of our friends don’t know. I’m torn between let’s wait (because it’s more comfortable for me) or let her decide how she wants her pregnancy story to go.
I appreciated the support
I so understand your conflicting emotions. I really do. Especially the part about wondering who you might have become. My personal (Biblically-founded) belief is that God uses everything (the good, the bad and even our ugliest choices) for the good of His children. You included. Me included. And our children included.
My idea on how to approach this situation, Tanya, is with all the love and all the support that you would have hoped for in her situation. Dig into your Bible for comfort. Know that this story is your daughter’s and He will use it to strengthen her faith and sanctify her. And maybe her child will bring about generational change. I’ll pray for that, Tanya. Thanks for your comment.
Thanks for this post Darcie, I came across this post because I am finding it hard to accept that my kid sister is pregnant at 23. I am ashamed , disappointed at her and at Mum. I am thinking if it’s right for her to keep the baby or get married immediately. I don’t think she’s ready for marriage and the baby since she’s not working. I need help
Thanks. Really needed to see this post. After, it was hard for me to accept the fact my 20 year old is pregnant. Unmarried, no job, & I had so many hi hopes & dreams for her.
I’m walking this road right now myself. My 22 year old told us she was pregnant after graduation in The summer of last year. She was suppose to go in to get her nursing after graduating with her biology degree. All her father & I wanted for her was to be able to financially stand on her own should that situation ever arise or be able to finabcially contribute to her own family. She got pregnant to a guy non of us know who is a divorced father of two with tattoos everywhere. I know everyone says give him a chance & I have. It’s like every time I do I’m saddened. He up & quit his job even though he has to pay child support for his two other kids & while my daughter is pregnant & working & living with him. She just up & left her job here local that paid her well to move 2.5 hours away to live with someone none of us (her family) knows. Now I barely see her & they hang out with his pot smoking brother & his family who they say he isn’t that close to but boy he’s giving them all the holidays Thanksgiving & Christmas Eve. & we may get Christmas Day with us. It’s like we are second class in their eyes anymore. He’s told us lie after lie on every chance I’ve given to try again & make a friendly relationship with this guy. And yet my daughter stays. Says she doesn’t want her baby coming from a broken home. It’s like ever time I turn around my daughter is giving something up for him & never gets anything for herself. She takes care of his kids every other weekend fixing their breakfast, bath time & all while he watches his football. I’m like what happened to the strong girl I raised. I’m soooo confused. And he’ll probably never marry her, why would he when they can get government assistance with her as a single mother. Even if they do get married he’s already saying he doesn’t want a big wedding. He’s been married before she hadn’t. I’ve tried getting excited about being a grandma & I do but then reality comes back & I’m like am I wrong for giving her a babyshower? I bought her baby bed because she needed one & they sure are not going to have the money & my husbands gets on me telling me I’m contributing to her fairytale world. It’s really hard when you had all these dreams for your kids life & she is choosing the hard way. I just do not understand. I feel like I’m in a no win situation with my daughter & I do not know how to navigate this road I’m on. I don’t think he loves her at all. He has spoken unkind of her when I’ve been around & I had to stand there & take it when normally I would have torn into him. But to keep the peace I remained silent. I’ve prayed & prayed & I am finding it harder & harder to do so when everything seems to keep going down the same path. I know God’s time is awesome & I’m needing prayers not only for my daughter but our whole family & myself to keep strength in praying for God to move this situation to a place that God would be pleased with. I know that God has someone for my daughter & that I need to wait for Gods timing so pray please that my mothering instincts of wanting to protect her understands that I’ve got to let go & let God. She is such a sweet, smart, beautiful girl it just hurts the heart of this mother & father so much. Please God give us grace to stand.
Thank you so much for this. Everything you said is exactly how I’m feeling. I had my daughter at the super young age of 15. She called me Sunday night and told me she is pregnant. She is 20 years old and not married or even in a serious relationship with the boy. Like you said, those 2 words carry so much weight and it’s been a whirlwind of emotions the past few days. Thank you for your insight and words. With His love and mercy, things will be ok
I am a father who has just found out my daughter is pregnant at 22. She landed a great job 4 months ago. I am gutted….I agree with other posts of the false congratulations. I have often seen other families go through this and felt dread for them…Now it is me who is going through this..The lads family think this is great news..Which just makes me think even more that the world has gone mad…Well every cloud has a silver lining at least I will lose weight with worry.!!
Gutted is a great word to describe those initial emotions, Paul. I remember so clearly the moment my daughter told me. I remember the weight of it. The disappointment. The worry. I tend to agree with you that the world has gone mad, but I don’t know…. I know this is easier said than done but I would encourage you to extend the “lad’s family” the benefit of the doubt on this one and assume that they’re choosing to look on the bright side and be supportive. Maybe that’s how their family operates through difficult situations? In any case, your daughter is not the first to experience an unexpected pregnancy. It doesn’t always end in the tragedy we assume it will. The world is an ugly place that has lots of beauty in it, too, if you focus on it. My money says that this grandchild is going to be beautiful indeed and that, in time, you’ll be able to be thankful, in spite of all of the circumstances. Hugs to you and yours.
Appreciate the kind words…I am not positive for the near future, but accept the end result will be positive I’m sure…
Wow, what an amazing testimony to share. I literally just found out my 20 year old daughter is 14 weeks pregnant about 15 minutes ago, and yes, like your article said, I googled what to do. She’s in her 3rd year of college and she promised to finish.
As a pastor, I was shocked, but not upset. She doesn’t live with me, but I am still involved. I am happy for her. Her mom who lives near her is disappointed but will come along eventually. Thank you so much for your post.
Thank you so much for sharing your story and for your encouragement. I haven’t read a more truer sentiment on the plethora of emotions and complications of dealing with being a mother who was teenage mom who now has an unmarried pregnant daughter.
My daughter is 22 and is not married and in a relationship with her boyfriend, she is in college but doesn’t live with me, she lives with her boyfriend, now her friends is suggesting that I should make a baby shower but wants me to include all her friends (makes and females) I am disappointed with her wrong choices but I want to support her, but do not want to do her wishes as she is not married, what do you think I should do? Should I do a baby shower? She is one of 3 girls , I have 5 kids, and she is my first child pregnant, and the baby is my first grandson, do I have to listen to her friend?
Ultimately you need to do what is right for you, but if it were me making the decision, I would host the shower. Here’s why: what’s done is done and there is no changing that. That’s not to dismiss your feelings; I completely understand your disappointment and heartbreak because I’ve been there, too. Hosting a shower for your daughter and her friends shows that you will support her in the ways you can. As an unmarried mom, she is likely to encounter some difficulties in raising this child. She will have to face the natural consequences of her choices (the ones you had hoped she’d never have to face). You, however, don’t have to be the one to make her life more difficult. Maybe you can sit down with her and let her know that you are disappointed in the choices she’s made but that you love her and you will love her child. In the end, you and I can’t control what our children do and we can’t protect them from the natural consequences of those choices, but we can continue to love and support them as they navigate the difficulties those choices result in. Best to you and your family.
My 20 year old daughter just told me that she is pregnant. I feel. Like someone just punched me in the stomach and I know my husband does too. What is really upsetting is that we have never met the boy/young man! I was 22, married, and in the Army when I had my first child , and when my son was 4 months old when I decided or realized that his father was not interested in being married or being a father for the most part. I went through a lot being a single mom in the military, but I was blessed to find a friend, a husband and a great father all in one person 3 years later. All of her somewhat adult life I have always expressed how being a single parent is hard and very stressful. I had her when I was 27 and her sister when I was 30, and a bit more stable in my life and also had a career. My daughter is a college student and now I just feel as if she’s throwing her life away! I know in time my feelings will change, but as of right now I feel just as much disappointment as she does. I have to admit that after reading your blog it made me feel a little better, but it is still a hard pill to swallow! And the worse part of all is we have never met him and I had to tell my husband/her father over the phone because he’s on a month long business trip. We’re going to take one day at a time and breathe.
Darcie I did google search my umarried daughter is pregnant. Your blog hit the nail on the head its every emotion i am feeling. I have cried all day at the vision I have had for my daughter since she was born. Its going to take more time to grasp this. I feel a part of me has died and i am going to wake from a horrible dream. But those were my dreams for her not hers. I am scared for her so much I cant breath. Thank you for sharing your story. I pray that I will make it to your ending.
Thank you so very much for this article. My 20 year old daughter just told me tonight that she is pregnant. The very first thing that I said to her was, “well, my worst fear has come true.” NOT very supportive. That soon changed, & we cried together. I am still in shock & need to process. Thank you so much for writing this.
Thank you for this post. My 22 year old is in this predicament and has given us trouble almost her whole life. When she told me, I was hurt, but not shocked. My hubby has been very vocal for years that if she ended up pregnant, that would be the final straw, and so I’ve been keeping this secret for a couple of weeks, praying for God to prepare his heart so he can treat her with the grace our Lord would. She’s lived with us for almost a year now and her far-from-the-Lord BF doesn’t want to rush into marriage and end up making another mistake, but insists on co-parenting this child. Neither of them are emotionally or financially ready for this. My daughter knows it and it’s overwhelming her (and me) Right now, I’m just incredibly grateful he insisted on life for this child and I’m trying to use that miracle to hang on with faith and hope that God will bring good out of this. I’m all the emotions you describe, but also terrified I’ll have to be the primary caregiver. I do not desire to raise another one. And then I feel awful that I’m so selfish. I’m on my knees constantly begging Him to make something good out of this.
Although this post is old I have found it to be so encouraging. I feel sad as my daughter is unmarried, pregnant and in college. I had her at 19 and the last thing I wanted was the same type of hardship. I understand her life doesn’t have to be a mirror of my own but it is still difficult for me to process and knowing that I am not alone really helps. It’s like everything you said spoke my feelings for me. Thank you for being so transparent.
Hi Diaisha! My sweet granddaughter, Charlie, is almost four-and-a-half. And, I’m happy to report, that our family would not be the same without her in it. Believe me when I tell you that I know how hard it is to accept something you tried so hard to help your child avoid. But they learn their own lessons and all we can do is the best we can do. You will love her through this and everything will be okay.
We are going through the same thing now, our 20 year old daughter is pregnant. Thank God she is finished with school, has her degree and can support herself. It hit us like a ton of bricks, we wanted her to experience so much more in life. We will love her through and support her. She needs us during this journey she is about to embark on. It does hurt and disappoint’s us, but we Thank God that she didn’t choose to end it. That would be something she would have to deal with emotionally, for the rest of her life. We like the rest of the families, need prayers and guidance.
I understand every word of this, Carla. Every word. Every conflicting emotion. And every bit of that love you feel. Life is really hard. Also? Love overcomes disappointment. You’re right; she does need your support. I’m glad that she’ll have it. I’m sorry that this is not coming about the way you had hoped.
just found out my 27 year old is pregnant as second time, but not married. With the same guy. Our first granddaughter born March. Second will be born next May. We have had a rough road but Gods Grace so present and have been healing and adjusting reletively well, now this. Biggest problem is the dad is controlling, manipulative, to the point of being a little scary sometimes. He’s pressuring our daughter to move in with him, yet we see a train wreck coming if that happens. Struggling and just not sure how to support our daughter, yet continue to enable her as the same time.
Your daughter is lucky. I was pregnant. I am 25 years old and when I had the pregnancy, I was fresh out of college, living with my parents. I told my parents and they were not helpful. My mother offered only one tip of guidance “I will support any choice you make” She then blankly stared at me and that’s it. I was extremely anxious, depressed, and in panic mode. My father drove me to an abortion clinic. I have been crying ever since. I was 23 at the time. If your daughter is pregnant, I suggest not panicking, not thinking about yourself image and I suggest trying to offer advice such as coming up with a solid job plan.
Darcie, this is a great read. How old was your daughter when you found out she was pregnant?
I appreciate the kind words, Jessica. Thank you. My daughter had just turned twenty when she told me she was pregnant.
Thank you so much for your post. My daughter who is 20 is pregnant. I found out about it in september and i am still struggling accept it. I am disappointed, angry,embarrasss and i dnt know what to do. I havent even told my husband yet( her step-dad), or anyone at all!! as am trying to deal with it yet. I really had so much hope and dreams for her. I really need someone to talk to. I feel like shes let me down so much. She is a really lovely girl. Loved by everyone. Everyone has always said she will go places because she was always hard working. Now shes pregnant, still in college! Her boyfriend whom i havent ever met, accepts the baby! I have told her she must move in with him. Am i doing the right thing? I feel like its the only way i will ever get over this and accept it. Seeing her everyday makes it hard for me to accept! Because i know shes carrying a pregnancy i resent. Someone help me pls. I feel so alone:-(
It’s a really tough thing, Lydia. I understand. As someone who has faced the thing you’re facing now, I can tell you that this thing that seems like The End is absolutely a beginning. Granted, it’s not the story you imagined. As this new path unfolds, the way you choose to respond can make all the difference in the world. My advice to you is to first and foremost, act in love. Give grace. Nothing that you do now will change the reality that your family is facing, but the way you handle it does and will impact the relationship you have with not only your daughter, but also your grandchild. Leaning in to love and acceptance does not mean that you approve or that this is your ideal outcome; it means that you are strong. I hope all the best for your family.
Thank you for your encouraging blog. Our daughter is 26yrs old and just found out that she is pregnant and not married. The position that she started is one that she has worked very hard for and it made her very proud. She just started the position 2 months ago and is afraid that they will think that she applied for the position because she was pregnant at the time so she has not told them. The position required a lot of climbing and lifting so she is worried that they will let her go. But this is our problem. Our daughter will not confide in her father, myself or anyone else. She has not even told us she is pregnant. I have tried to talk to her about it but she won’t discuss it with me. Do you have any suggestions on how I can approach her with this. How can I let her know everything is going to be okay. When I state that she hasn’t confided in us about her pregnancy I failed to mention that her sister was able to talk to her a very little bit about it and has even felt the baby moving. So that leads us to believe she is around her 5th month. She won’t go the dr and we are very worried about her and the baby.
She is really lucky to have you has a mother.i wish my mum will try to forgive me and help me like you have done to daughter
I’m so thankful for reading this. During an already mind blowing week last week, my 19 yr old told me she is pregnant. I had my first child at 18, so like you and many others I know some of the challenges ahead. It is so good to read these comments and just know that my own emotions are not isolated. While my reaction to her has been positive, my own emotions are on a roller coaster. God is so good, and I trust him for the journey ahead for her and this baby. I am 100% that Satan will take no ground from this, but we declare love and goodness, blessing and faith over this little one, … but still I am constantly teary. I think a lot of my emotions come from a place of hurt over the way I was treated as a teen pregnancy, and I pray that isn’t her story, but her story is one of love, acceptance and grace. I think your own emotions are so relatable. I’m not really ready to be a granny yet, but believe God is the giver of life and we will love and embrace this little one. In the weekend I was given a picture that God gave to a friend of mine (she doesn’t know about the pregnancy). It is a person in a sunflower field, lifting a baby in the air… her message was about joy, and the accompanying song about God’s faithfulness. How amazing! I can only find myself face down, leaning in, worshiping him because as He has proved ever faithful to me, He will continue with her. And then I cry again. :)
Thank you so much. Beautiful article I am going through this now with my 20 year old. I am disappointed but have not told her just want her to feel supported in what she chooses to do. As I did not feel support I had an abortion at 20 because I did not want to disappoint my parents. Even though we would prefer our daughters to be married and have stable jobs before having children God had a different plan and we must love and respect that!
Thank you for sharing your story. I just learned my 20 year old is pregnant. I had the feeling when she said she needed to come home and talk to us. She told me but her father will find out tomorrow. Part time job and boyfriend has part time job and going to school. I just want to cry and scream bc I feel I have failed her. God had a different plan but I just can’t wrap my head around it.
My 22 year old unmarried daughter is expecting in July. The months leading up to her giving us this news she was not making good choices in her life. Was not being respectful to not only myself and her father but also to any friends she had
She burned allot of bridges with many people in her life. She recently got DUI she doesn’t know we know about we just meet the father three weeks before we got the news. At that time they already knew they were pregnant They hooked up one night don’t really know each other and now are going to be parents she has a stable job but doesn’t pay great has great health insurance but is trying to get on Medicaid also to help with some of her medical bills. If anyone has any advise on that front I will accept any . She is currently living with us but want’s desperately to not live here once the baby is born. As I agree with that But financially it will be a struggle the father is a nice young man same age and is willing to help out I always wanted to be a grandmother some day just not in these terms. My sons who are older than my daughter are not speaking to her and are somewhat embarrassed by all of this. I pray they change their attitudes. This is causing stress on my marriage as well.
I want to add that I was her age when I had my son but I was married and we both had stable jobs. But that was 30 years ago and it was still somewhat normal to start families at young ages. Now days it seems like society only accepts it if you are in your 30s. We get allot of judgmental “oh dears” when we share our news with people. This is going to be so hard to get through. So glad I found this board. Thanks for listening
my Pregnant daughters father of the baby has been getting cold feet. Seems to be isolating himself from reality. She has to face this by herself
I wish I knew how to help her. She is trying to find housing and daycare on a very fixed income I hate this is happening for her this way. She needs guidance on how to move forward on her own. When does she need to get a lawyer involved as far as child support etc? Anyone out there have any advise? Please help us.
I am appalled that “unmarried and pregnant” seems to be your focus here. You keep pointing out her marital status as if it’s a crime on a rap sheet.
This is what’s wrong with the world.
I am unmarried and my partner of 8 years and I are trying for our first baby and have been for months and this is the most important thing we’ve ever done. So many years of planning has gone into this and we feel HONORED and PROUD, not shamed, to be creating this new life.
If anyone dare act like our marital status has ANYTHING at all to do with my pregnancy, I will not think twice about cutting that person out of my life completely. What a horrid and mideval view you must have of sex. Sex is literally what our bodies were made for…it’s the most natural thing for us to engage in at the core of our being. And for you to announce your SHAME about your daughter having sex, something completely innocent, normal, healthy, and natural, is just outrageous to me. I hope your daughter learned from your judgey attitude and won’t allow her daughter to be poisoned by such ugly attitudes.
What a rotten and toxic attitude to have towards your daughter. She is bringing HER BABY into the world and you have the audacity to post about your shame.
What a sad world we live in.
I hope your daughter had the sincere support she deserved from someone who didn’t feel the need to judge and hone in on her marital status as a source of shame. I hope by the time my children are grown, toxic attitudes like yours are extinct.
Hey Sarah. I’m happy to live in a country where we all have a right to a world view that we can believe in. I have mine and it appears to be vastly different than yours. While you and I don’t seem to agree on this stuff, that doesn’t make your view wrong, ugly or toxic. Here on my blog, I pay a yearly fee to host this content and doing so affords me the right to express my thoughts. Ironically, the fees I pay, together with the settings I choose for commenting, allow you to express yours, too (though I would -5 points for spelling medieval incorrectly). As far as the marriage thing, I can tell you that having parented both ways, I believe that raising a child is best done within the confines of a stable, committed and faith-based marriage. I had hoped that my daughter could have avoided some of the really hard things I experienced as a single mom and, in part, this post expresses that wish for her. I don’t think it’s a toxic perspective at all and I’m bummed that you interpreted it that way. I can assure you that I love my daughter very, very much and, while she and I don’t agree on all the things, I don’t think she’d ever doubt my love for her and her family.
As I’ve grown older, my eyes have been opened to some follies of my youth, including being more judgmental than I should have been when I was younger. I was SO SURE I had it all figured out and, back then, I said some things I wish I hadn’t. I’m 42 as I write this. I’ve come to a point in my life where I try hard not to make assumptions about what motivates other people. I also try hard to avoid making sweeping, critical statements about the beliefs other people hold near and dear. Where’s the kindness in that? Rather, I try to extend grace as best I can.
You used some really strong words here. Maybe someday you’ll look back on this comment and notice just a bit of hypocrisy in it. Maybe not. Either way, I wish you and your partner all the best.
how can you say it’s a blessing my sixteen-year-old daughter purposely got herself pregnant. She had a college fund set up for her and a life full ahead of her and now she’s unmarried how is that a blessing. That’s not the life that I chose for my daughter. Her and her boyfriend can’t support a bathing my daughter’s not even working and her boyfriend’s not even working a full-time job they have nowhere to live. You know who’s going to have to raise the baby me and the other parents that’s who is going to have to raise the baby
I’m so sorry for your frustration and disappointment, Monica. I was pregnant at sixteen myself, though not on purpose. God brought me through, though. There is no question that this will be a hard thing, both for you and for your daughter. I hope that, in time, you find a way to make peace with your circumstances.
Thank you for sharing your story, mine began last night with my 25 year old daughter. You have expressed every emotion I am currently feeling. In time, I am hopeful, that I two will feel proud and blessed.. just not today. I was married at 23 and gave birth to her and her twin sister by age 24. The memories and the struggles I had during those years are still fresh in my mind.
Thank you for sharing this. I also had my daughter when I was 16 and now she’s in her third year of college (almost done!) and she told us last night she’s pregnant. I didn’t sleep at all last night and I’m so worried for her. We will support her and help her get to finish line for her degree. But I’m still heart broken inside and sick to my stomach. And sad!
I know, Yolanda. I do. I get it.
This post has resonated with SO many people and, over the years, I’ve responded to so very many moms who’ve walked in your same shoes. Here’s what I know to be true: this pregnancy is not the end of the world. It’s not. I promise. You and I and our precious daughters are living proof that beautiful stories can emerge from crisis pregnancies. My granddaughter is five now. She is absolutely and wholly loved and as precious a gift as ever I could have imagined. Your daughter will be okay. And life will go on. Do your best and love them both all the way as much and as often as you can and know in your heart that in so doing, you’re giving your all. That’s the best advice I’ve ever put into practice.
Thank you so much for this , just found out today my 21 year old is pregnant, just like her mom at 21 , but I feel like it’s going to be harder for her and I’m terrified, and crying non stop..
Darcie,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I just found out Sunday that my unmarried daughter, 27, is pregnant. I have been praying for her, her boyfriend and baby that God will use this to draw her to himself and that he will be glorified. Praying for wisdom for my husband and myself as we walk this with them.
Thanks again! Blessings!
I want to thank you for this article. I have a 20 year old daughter pregnant at home. Her boyfriend who has been for 5 years barely sees her. I feel bad about this. I am happy for the new baby. But I am just worried about me having to take responsibility for the baby and I will. I just want to be able to do things. I am 52 years old and just starting to be able to take time for my husband and I. I just can’t let her push everything on us.
Susan
I literally found out my 19 daughter is pregnant. I’m so disappointed and hurt with her. I feel like she is throwing her life away. She’s in college and has a full time job and lives with me. But I just got remarried and started my life. I waited until my kids were in college and were good before I can do me. I came across your blog by searching and it has touched my heart. I’m so sad because I didn’t want her to ruin her life like this. She has so much potential and I’m just hurt and I need prayers. My husband is hurt as well and all I can do is pray.
Good Morning.
I searched “my 22 year old daughter is pregnant” and your blog popped up. Your words are very honest and everything I needed to hear. My 22 year old daughter told me yesterday that she’s pregnant. She’s been with her boyfriend for about a year and a half now and he is 19. They do love each other. They are both trying to get their lives together, ok jobs, etc. but, they are both immature and have made some poor choices in the past. They live with his grandparents, who don’t know yet. This will make them grow up, I hope anyway. I feel sad and scared for them and us, but I know in my heart everything will work out. I believe everything happens for a reason. My husband isn’t taking this as well though. We will certainly be there for them, but we’re finally at the age we can do whatever we want in life. We’re 52 and 53, but we don’t want to end up taking care of everyone. Our lives have been good and peaceful, now that I’m over breast cancer and his heart attack and quadruple bypass surgery. Those two events really were our wake up calls to not take life for granted. So I’m trying to just be calm and not stress about the pregnancy. I’m crying as I write this. The baby will be very loved! Life is hard sometimes, but harder when you don’t have good jobs with good health insurance. It’s so hard watching someone you love struggle. Life doesn’t always turn out the way we want, but I told my daughter yesterday it’s how we handle situations that matters most. I know she’ll be a wonderful mother and I hope he’ll be an awesome father and we will be loving grandparents. Thanks so much for sharing your story.
3 days ago I got a call from my 19 year old daughter … I felt like the world had just been pulled out from under my feet . I thought for sure I was going to pass out . I have cryed for 3 days now on and off . But today I read you post and it says all that I couldn’t put into words for my baby girl . She’s 6 weeks and scared to death . The father don’t want anything to do with her and of course his not going to be in my grandbabys life ( his choice ) but she said mom my life is about to change and I’m so scared . I didn’t want to tell her I was probably as scared as she is I had to find strength that I never thought id have but our father gives us more strength than we know we have when we are faced with change that we wasn’t expecting . She’s scared to tell her dad we are divorced and he was very abusive . Im scared for her to tell him . I don’t know how for her to tell him . You see my grandbaby will be by racial and her dad is very against that . If maybe someone out there could give me some advice I would be so thankful . I am going to love my grandbaby . I’m going to stand by my daughter and walk this with her and pray ever step of the way . Gods got us . God is good all the time!
Darcie
Thank you for your post. My daughter left home last April as would keep going out to see her bf during coronavirus lockdown. She found him in bed with another girl but still left home. I spent months crying but trying to believe when restrictions were lifted she’d come home. Their ‘relationship’ was not stable. I just asked her not to make any life altering decisions. So she left a good apprenticeship because she said she hated it and enrolled at local college. But since Christmas no college because of lockdown. Then 5 weeks ago she wanted to talk to me and I just knew she was going to tell me she’s pregnant and sure enough she is, 16 weeks now. Currently not with the bf. though they both have a room in a shared house which she won’t be allowed to live in with a baby. She only told me because she wants me to be guarantor on a rented flat. I said no. I had my first child at 20, I know what she’s facing. My then bf of 3 years bought us a house and we got married and limped along for another 11 years and 3 children altogether before he finally left for good. I met my now husband when my youngest was 15 months old and he has been a wonderful father to my children, especially my youngest who thinks of him as dad. I’m not prepared to risk our home by being guarantor especially when I believe the unemployed on off bf will yo-yo in and out of her life. We did, or rather, my husband did, tell her we wanted her to come home and we would support her and the baby. Her bedroom is as if she left it to just pop out all these months later (except I tidied it!) she said no as she’d be a prisoner – we are still in lockdown. She is very very distraught, she says she lives the bf and is so Aline and petrified and doesn’t want to be a single mom. I am struggling to find words and I am completely heart broken that my time with her is not how I imagined it would be. I don’t feel excited for the baby and she’s not experiencing all the wonderful things she should be. It makes me realise how marvellous my own parents were and how much I miss my mom, sadly died 24 years ago. I’m driving my daughter to hospital appts and I’ve bought her maternity clothes and a pregnancy journal and I am trying but I’m so soul deep sad I don’t know how to be. And of course it’s impacting at home. I’m just recovering from coronavirus and am exhausted. I don’t miss the irony that I’ve followed the ‘rules’ and caught the virus and she’s done what she likes and hasn’t. I get messages from her all the time about how sad she is and she cries all the time. I’ve had 5 or 6 messages while typing this. She was referred to a therapist but because all appointments are via telephone not face to face she wouldn’t continue with them. She’s booked a gender reveal scan this weekend, maybe we’ll feel more connected then. Sorry for long post, I guess I needed to get it off my chest. I know we will love the baby so much when it arrives but with lockdown set to continue I just don’t know what to do. Wishing all you grandma to bes light, love and strength x
As a father, I am so hurt, frustrated, and lost. My 22 year old daughter is pregnant. The father is also 22 years old. He has no stability in his life – no parents he can rely on. He has no job and always smells of marijuana. My daughter thinks this relationship will last. She think he will help her raise the baby. If things go the way they seem to be going, he will not be able to provide any real help and my daughter will be crushed. I pray she will learn and grow but regardless, I’m thinking that the next few years will be really, really difficult.
She want’s me to let this man live in my house with her. I don’t see it. I don’t want him to live in my house. Am I wrong? Before God, I don’t approve of their continued intimate relationship knowing that they are not married and they have no clue about real life. Even so, I really don’t know what to do. I am so frustrated and I have no one to talk to; I need a counselor.
Thank you for sharing this. I dont feel alone and like I’m the only mother going through this. My daughter is 22 and we have such a good and open relationship and have talked about her future and what she wants to accomplish. I felt like a failure as a mother when she told me she was pregnant!
I was scanning the net to find this. My daughter is 17.she will be 18 in August just a few months away. She called to tell me… she is stubborn and refuses to let the boy in. She dumped him he loves her wants to be a father.
I too steered them clear of this but now it’s what it is.
My heart hurts. This gave me peace. Thank you.
Darcie,
I came across this post as an unwed soon to be father. As I prepare to tell me
Parents, I wanted to understand how parents accept news like this, and knowing my parents, what I read hear further validates the terror I feel about breaking this news to them. Between God and me, despite the reality of this situation, I’m in my knees leaning on him for all the strength in the world, but the guilt in me for putting my parents through this is tearing me apart every moment of every day, and the hard part hasn’t even started yet. We come from a very conservative Christian family, and I’m genuinely afraid for the health of my elderly parents once they receive this news, and I have no idea how to break it to them. My father literally may give up on life. I understand that there’s no straight answer but I still feel compelled to write this to you. I don’t know why.
Hi thank you for your story and I’m going through a kinda similar situation. Recently last weekend my oldest daughter who is twenty had a baby girl and she is not married and lives in her in-laws basement. She doesn’t have a plan for herself but I recently found out by my older daughter who was at a party who found out about my youngest daughter being pregnant she ran away from home and stayed with friends this would be a second time she’s done this. But she already made up her mind what she wanted to do cause she turned 18 so I accepted her decision. She didn’t graduate high school. On and on living with boyfriend and now my oldest daughter gave me the news about my youngest daughter and I have raised 7 kids on my own and adopted 2 kids in care. I wanna slow down and work on something’s I have been holding back and looking for work and maybe do some traveling? But as soon as my oldest daughter was asking me to be there for the pregnant daughter and how both daughters are coming and just basically making plans to come home. When the youngest daughter burned a bridge with me and having her older sister do the talking for her. Now I’m fighting with my oldest daughter and she’s saying hurtful things to me like “I’m going to dance on your grave so be expecting it” all because I said that I have a full house right now and I wanna do my own projects. All because I said no and spoke my piece on it. Now it’s my fault my daughter Jodi never even got ahold of me to explain to me and her father her situation or made anything attempt to reconcile things. But I can’t financially take care for her and her unborn. I think the father of the baby should have that responsibility and they made a choice and now they have to take care of that choice they made I feel. I need advice and o don’t want to feel guilty of speaking up and letting my daughter’s know why I can’t be there for them right now they are adults.
I was just told today, on Mothrrs Day, that I will be a grandma, from our unmarried daughter. Her father and I are still in shock trying to process this. I’m trying my hardest not to show her how disappointed I am because I sense she really wants me to be happy for her! Your post was exactly what I needed. Thank you!
Thank you so much for posting this, my 21 year old daughter who is still living at home told me yesterday that she is pregnant. I am devastated, feel like I’ve failed as a mother, frustrated, worried, scared as she is ruining her life.
Her bf of 2 years is a nice guy but she’s only just finished uni so hasn’t started her career. They don’t have the money yet to move out, and in summary is hoping to raise the child at home with the bf moving in, or they will move into the bf family home.
I don’t know what to do, obv I want my daughter at home but not sure I could handle a baby and her bf in the home, I also have 2 other daughters at home.
I’m completely numb, I’ve told her how disappointed I am and that she is not ready for this, but she has a different view. I can’t bring myself to talk to her right now which is prob very selfish of me, but I just don’t know what to say. Whenever I think about it I start to cry. I brought her up in a hardworking household, I was 21 when I had my first and it didn’t work out with their father so I was hoping she would have learnt.
I feel so helpless and alone and completely lost, can anyone give me advice please, as right now I just want to hide from her and pretend this isn’t happening!!
I just found out yesterday that my 21-year-old daughter is pregnant. When she told her boyfriend, he checked out. He broke it off with her. He told her that he would pay for an abortion, but thankfully she’s not going to do that.
I am definitely not happy about any of this. I did not see this coming and I truly believe she’s not ready for this. I am a Christian and I do believe The Lord allows things to happen to us for a reason. I’m just dealing with so many other issues of my own that her issue just compounded my issues even more. And the really strange thing is all of her girlfriends are so happy for her. That wasn’t like that in my days when we went to school. If you were pregnant it was a horrible situation. So that mentality is sticking right now.
I’m just really hurt and heartbroken. Everything that this post states. I’m trying to be happy for her, but I’m just not. Probably because I know that this is going to be an extremely hard situation raising a baby on her own. She lives with her father and I’m totally shocked that he took the news well. To be honest with you I thought he was going to wind up kicking her out of the house. Thank God he didn’t.
I’m just staying in prayer with everything. Her boyfriend is a non-believer so this wasn’t a great shock to me that he walked away from the situation. I’m just dealing with a lot of emotions right now and trying to sort through so much right now. Thanks for this wonderful post. I’m hoping that Eventually I will start feeling joy and happiness in my heart.
This is one of the first things I read over a year ago when I simply googled “my unmarried daughter is pregnant”. I was so heartbroken and disappointed. Your words were encouraging. And somewhere in there, I found my “grandma” name. I am now a proud “Mimi” to a wonderful grandson who has brought joy to my life that I didn’t know I was missing. Thank you for sharing your heart. It blessed mine.
This has inspired me and helped me. I Just got the news from My 25 Yr old daughter . Thank You
I am so glad I found your blog. My 22 year old daughter and her fiance just told us she was pregnant Saturday. My husband, son, and myself are a bag of mixed emotions. She told us as we exited our vehicle for a family gathering before we got inside. My poor husband just walked to the nearest tree and leaned up against it, dead silent. She holds up a onsie and says, “I am sorry. Don’t be mad at me”. Really? Now, you are covered under our insurance, you have been going to the OBGYN since you were 18. You have not finished college to date. We reared you in church, have financially and physically sacrificed giving you every opportunity to launch and be successful as parents and then this. It is like a slap in the face. They had screwed up and told her brother by accident and told him to keep it quiet a couple of weeks ago. Now I know why he has been in knots and not himself. Yesterday, he was back to himself because he was able to release that.
I am going through all the emotions….shame, anger, disappointment, sadness. Those are not feelings a future grandmother should not be this way. I don’t want anyone to know. That is not the way it should be. I should be overjoyed and shouting it from the rafters. They don’t have a home yet, she is just starting a job who hired her despite being pregnant (for which I am very thankful she was honest with them in the interview and for their graciousness), he does not have a job right now but as blunt as I can be I asked him what he was planning on doing and he assured us he had some opportunities lined up. He bleep bleep bleep bleep sure better. My husband woke up crying yesterday and is just crushed. She is a daddy’s girl and she has devastated him. He finally put himself to sleep yesterday afternoon and I just let him sleep for several hours. He apologized for which I said, “No need to. It was your body’s way of coping so you were doing exactly what you needed to do”. Another thing that is bothering us is why did you wait so long to tell us? Why? Then they have the audacity to tell us that they still want to go on with the wedding plans for May (baby due in December) as we had originally planned. I am going, say what? So you want us to pay for a big to do wedding still when you have gotten the cart before the horse? You are about to have a child. Your life is going to change. What was going to go toward a wedding should go toward your child and finding a place to live. Am I wrong for thinking this way?