MY UNMARRIED DAUGHTER IS PREGNANT

I’ll probably never forget where I was when I got the call. I have to tell you something, she said. She probably thought she was dropping an atomic bomb of unexpected news. What she didn’t yet understand was that, already, my intuition had stirred up a whirlpool of dread in the pit of my stomach. And then there came confirmation in the string of words I’d hoped never to hear. I’d, in fact, invested sleepless nights and countless prayers and an ongoing dialogue that was both honest and heartfelt in an effort to avoid ever hearing my unmarried daughter utter the words that came next. I’m pregnant. It’s puzzling how two little words can carry with them so much weight. How two little words can press you hard and fast against a wall with absolutely no way to wiggle free. As a mom, I had hopes and dreams for what my daughter might do with her life, but most of them crumbled to pieces when I accepted that my unmarried daughter is pregnant.

pregnant teenage girl with long blonde hair holding her belly

I made the blog announcement rather matter-of-factly when I shared our year in review Christmas letter. Having already told the news to most of my real life family and friends, I felt the time had come to go there in a more public venue. And here we are.

If you know my history, you know that I first became a mother at the tender age of 16. And if you’ve been reading my blog long, you might also be aware that I’ve chosen a very forthcoming approach in talking with my girls about my experiences as a teen mom and my expectations of them as they navigate the teen years.  You might be curious, then, how I feel about the fact that my unmarried daughter is pregnant.

The short answer reads like a Facebook relationship status: It’s complicated.

It’s complicated because I’ve been forced to embrace something that I’ve always had trouble accepting. That is: I cannot control the choices my children make. I can influence them and advise them and guide them as lovingly as I know how to do and yet, free will. Free will rears its defiant head and mutilates the delicate life I had mapped out for her in my mind’s hopeful eye. A life set apart and notable for its stability, completeness and deeply-rooted joy.

These things I so desperately wanted for her because they were things that I so desperately sought after myself.

I was sixteen when I leaned up against the dingy bathroom wall during a shift at my after-school job. Two little pink lines bled a trail that altered the trajectory of my life. I spent the next ten years chasing fireflies, only for them to go dim before I could grab hold. It was precisely that wealth of failure that convinced me that I could make things different — better — for my girls. I wanted to believe that my experiences would translate into their wisdom. I foolishly believed that I could inform them into a buy-in. The fact that my unmarried daughter is pregnant proves otherwise.

pregnant teenage girl with long blonde hair holding her belly

I’ve had some time to process the fact that my unmarried daughter is pregnant and here’s where I’m at.

I feel sad.

For the majority of her life, I’ve done my daughter the disservice of assuming she would make my same mistakes for the same reasons I made them. How wrong I was. I know now that she will make her own mistakes for her own reasons and in so doing, she’ll learn her own life lessons. There are certainly one or two of them that I would have liked to spare her, but, well, you can’t always get what you want. I don’t mean to imply that the baby herself is a mistake. But having done it both ways, I do believe that raising a child within a faith-based, financially-secure and emotionally-stable marriage is worlds easier than doing so outside of one.

I feel disappointed.

More than anything, I’m disappointed in myself. I feel like the fact that my unmarried daughter is pregnant is proof that I failed her. I can’t help but believe that if I had invested more time, or listened better or prayed more tirelessly I could have helped her to navigate towards an easier life. I could have done something to lead her a different way.

I feel heartbroken.

I am heartbroken because I have walked the path she is about to walk and I know firsthand how difficult it is to be an unmarried mom. Co-parenting outside of marriage carries with it far more risk. There is inherent unfairness in parenting duties. There is a higher likelihood of resentment and abandonment. The odds are stacked against couples who have babies without making a commitment first.

I feel resolute

I am determined not to let this pregnancy define, threaten or destroy our family. When first she told me she was pregnant, I expressed my disappointment in no uncertain terms. But I also made sure to express the fact that I would love both her and her baby in spite of my disappointment. I’ve had time to process the emotions that — at first — hit me like a brick. What I know without a doubt is that this baby is not a regrettable stain on the family tree. This baby will be a treasured member of our family. She will be so deeply loved that she will never once have reason to so much as question her beginnings.

I feel hopeful.

If I’ve learned anything, it’s that there are no guarantees. What may look now like a bleak future, may very well one day be a happy ending. My faith assures me that there is always hope. I trust that God will use this experience to build my daughter into the woman He created her to become.

I feel proud.

Having been a pregnant teen, I know all too well how many options there are that would be a whole lot simpler than raising a child that you didn’t plan for. I’m proud that my daughter is choosing a path that is sure to be difficult. We should all be so willing to face the consequences of the choices we make.

I feel blessed.

James 1:17 tells us that, “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” I just love that last part. To me, it means that in spite of however topsy-turvied and turned around we might get, there is One who remains a constant. This baby–so precious a new life–is a God-given gift and we are blessed beyond measure to welcome her.

It’s not the path I would have chosen for my daughter, or for my unborn granddaughter. But it is the path we will take. I have chosen to walk it faithfully.

pregnant teenage girl with long blonde hair holding her belly


If, out of heartbreak and desperation, a Google search of “my unmarried daughter is pregnant” led you to this post, I want to take a moment to offer you some encouragement. I originally wrote this post over three years ago. In May of 2015 my daughter welcomed a beautiful baby girl into our family. That sweet child has brought so much love and light into our lives and I cannot imagine our family without her. My daughter and her boyfriend have not had an easy go of things. There have been ups and there have been downs.
I don’t know you and I don’t know your daughter or her situation. But this much I can tell you: your daughter’s pregnancy is not the end of the world. No matter how she chooses to handle it, the fact that it ever happened will be built into her life’s story. She will come away different. I pray that she will come away stronger and that you will, too.
Teenage girl holding newborn


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77 Replies to “MY UNMARRIED DAUGHTER IS PREGNANT”

  1. This was honest and raw… thank you, as always, for opening yourself to your readers. I imagine your feelings are normal, but I also know that in some ways, you go above and beyond. This baby will be so loved. Your daughter will be so supported. She is truly lucky to have you as a mom–and this little baby will be beyond lucky to have yours a grandma.

    1. Oh, Erin. Thank you. Your comment made me teary but then again, it’s an emotional subject for me. Thank you, friend.

      1. I know this post is old. But I’m going thru this very thing. I’m one big ball of emotions right now. This post does help. Thank you for your transparency.

        1. I am now the very proud “mimi” to a sweet two-year-old, Shonda. It didn’t happen the way I would have hoped, but life typically doesn’t. And you know what? Everything has turned out okay. I hope you are able to find peace in your situation. I know how worrisome it can be.

        2. I wish I was more like you ladies. All I feel is shame, ashamed of her, disappointed and embarrassed of the situation. She is 22 and has made a slew of poor choice since she was 18 but I didn’t see this coming. I was married and 26 when I had her. I feel like I am the biggest failure! I raised her as a single mother (her father and I divorced when she was 12) and I can hear the judgements now. From friends and family and my church. People judge. She is engaged and now they are thinking adoption. So I would have to walk this path with her for 9 months then watch her give it up. I thought we were finally in a great path. I know she loves Christ and so does he but they lied about what they were doing. It’s hard to see any joy in this child and I don’t mean to sound cruel. I think you sweet ladies are incredible but I think more women feel like I do. Ashamed, disappointed, embarrassed & alone. I have a friend who is 29 that just announced her pregnancy on FB. Oh they joy. My daughter will get pity congratulations and that’s not what I wanted for her. Or wanted for a grand child. There is no excitement in my heart for a 22 year old unmarried girl in college who has nothing for herself first. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, ever. Life just gets hard from here. I know I have been a single parent for 10 years now and of course my ex says it’s all my fault. Don’t get me wrong my daughter is beautiful and amazing and I’m thankful she isn’t 16, 18 or even 20. But I don’t want to announce this mess to anyone. It’s a mess. Maybe one day I’ll feel like you but right now the shame of what she has done to her family is overwhelming at best.

          1. I am feeling as you do now. My 22 yr old just told us she’s pregnant. She is unmarried and living with her scrub of a boyfriend who she supports with an insufficient Parttime job. It’s a terrible situation she has gotten herself into and I am torn. She was going to trade school, but will not be able to finish. I am not happy and excited for her, because the family she will now forever be associated with are such bad people.

          2. I can imagine how hard it is. We have adopted daughter, she is 18 , with mental disorder, and maybe pregnant with teenager who hates us for no reason. There is no way she can live with us pregnant and having child with this man. He is not allowed in our house at all after he threatened us . So if she is pregnant she will have to move out . I am old, and cannot take care for her and the baby. I cannot let them live with us. I keep asking myself how this happened, why did I put myself into this situation after having children on my own which are great people. The mental disorder he not treatable by medications. I already spent 7 very hard, very difficult years because of her problem. Now this. I hope she is not pregnant…so far this is nightmare. I do not know what to do.

          3. I realize this is well after the event has happened for you but I am now going through the same situation and have the same feelings, as you did. This will truly be considered a “stain” on the Family tree, as her Bf’s family is a mess, clearly not a family that Anyone would want their daughter to be affiliated with, let alone, have a biological connection to; crime, drugs, addiction, gangs. While we cannot make choices for our children, it’s difficult to not feel betrayed by a child who knows that you made sacrifices to benefit them and yet they walk up to that diving board and make a swan dive, into a pool of sh*t, right in front of you. Throwing away their college education, their future, nothing to their name, knowing You will have to help support them and their new baby and we are supposed to embrace them with open arms and be thankful. I am having a very difficult time feeling this is a joyous occasion. I’m ashamed and all I want right now, is to move the family far away, where nobody knows us. :'(

        3. Your story is my story. Wow. I’m sitting here trying to process all these emotions and I truly believe God led me here. Thank you SO much for sharing your truth…raw, real and so transparent5. You have helped me deal with this journey of being a soon to be grandma at 40 much better. Thank you again! God bless you and your family.

        4. I am going through this right now…there are so many similarities- i was pregnant at 16 too myself…my daughter’s baby is due May 2019…i have went through so many emotions but your article helped me….THANK YOU!- God is definitely using you.

  2. You are one who truly lives out what it means to be pro-life. You don’t just say it and you don’t sugar coat it. Bravo, my friend. And congratulations! Your whole family will be in my prayers.

  3. Sweet Darcie,
    I’m not going to pretend to know what it would be like in your shoes. I do know however, that I have seen you handle situations with a grace that many could only hope for and a wisdom beyond your young years and I have no doubt you will continue that streak. Don’t be too hard on yourself if at times you feel, as you said, a little sad. Your daughter is so incredibly blessed to know that her little one will be so loved by you and that sweet baby is being born into such a wonderful, fun, Godly family. Much love to you all.

    On a related note, have you decided your hip ‘grandma’ name yet?! ;)

    xoxo
    Rachael

    1. Thank you for the encouragement, my friend. You are so missed around these parts!

      No news on the hip grandma name front. I like Mimi, but I don’t know if it’s the one. Of course, I have to get Torri’s approval on whatever I settle on. My mom was 36 when I had Torri and all throughout my pregnancy she insisted that the baby would call her “Aunt Michelle.” But then when Torri came, she was instantly thrilled to be a grandma. We’ll see how it goes.

  4. I completely agree with your comment. I would react the same way…dissapointed at first, but lovingly and with open arms. That little girl (it’s a girl right?) is a part of you also and I can’t imagine turning my back on a part of myself, no matter what the circumstances are. Your daughter will have to live with the consequences of her actions and all you can do is be there to love and support her through it.

    Unfortunately we’ve had this happen to several of my cousins and their parents made it all to easy for them to keep living their lives after the baby was born – of course, they were younger than 20 when the baby was born. So now the grandparents are raising the child and the “child” mom is still living her teen years like nothing ever happened. Sounds like your daughter is taking her responsibility to the full extent and that is truely a reflection of your parenting – if no other! Congrats Granny! Sore subject or not, you’ll be a beautiful Grandmother – inside and out!

    1. Oh Marleen, I’m going to have to put my foot down on the Granny front. Granny sounds ancient!I will happily accept your compliment, though. Thank you so much.

      On a serious note, the story of your family members sound like a Teen Mom episode. I’m so sorry. I cannot imagine what that would be like–such a fine line between putting the baby’s best interests first and laying down the law for a wayward teen mom. Thankfully I don’t have to worry about that with my daughter. She and her boyfriend are eagerly awaiting the birth of this child and I know they will do their best to parent. I just wish she had a little bit more time to herself before she had to make that choice. In any case, she is in for a the experience of her life!

  5. Darcie,
    Brilliant thoughts and so eloquently expressed. My first longtime girlfriend after moving to Orlando was in the same situation, and she was 20 when she gave birth to her son. We dated for a long time, and I still keep in touch with her. Her son is now a wonderful 19 year old with a great big beautiful world ahead of him. Her parents and family were just as supportive as you. That incredible support made a difference in her life, her son’s life and the lives of everyone they have touched.

    1. Thanks so much for your comment, Gary. I cannot imagine what it would be like to face such a monumental change without the support of loved ones. I know that it happens to a lot of people but typically those stories don’t have endings as happy as the one you shared. Also, bravo to you for dating a single mom! I’ve been in those shoes and I know a few guys who wouldn’t step up to the challenge.

  6. You and I have already talked at length about this. Our gifts from God do not always come packaged like we wish…they are gifts none the less. Loved your honesty. Yeah, I’m not big on Granny either. That being said, sometimes the little ones choose our names and they are precious. Love you friend.

  7. Every feeling you described makes sense:) The sadness, the hopefulness, the readiness. And you’re right to be proud of Torri for accepting the challenge of motherhood – it’s great her boyfriend is excited too. Of course, the way I like to look at it the most is: it’s a blessing. The blessing of a beautiful unique soul whose life will glorify God. And you’ll be a part of that life, enriching it with your own beauty. Yay! Congratulations:)

    1. You said it perfectly, Molly. “A unique soul whose life will glorify God.” How could that be anything but a blessing?

  8. Wow! Such sincerity. I love reading your posts, Darcie. I can’t imagine how I’d react, but I feel certain I would be supportive, like you. May this sweet little life be perfect!

  9. I am a regular reader of this blog although I have never posted a comment but I felt compelled to after reading this post. As a soon-to-be mum in the very early stages of pregnancy I can relate to everything you have said. Although I can probably relate more to Torri at the moment and this post reflects that.

    Although I am 30, happily married and expecting our, planned for, first child, I don’t think I could do this without the support and love from my parents, particularly my mother. I am so nervous, gripped with fear that something could still go wrong, questioning every twinge and every lack of twinge at the same time. I have daily questions on how I will be as a mother, will I rise to the occasion? I have hourly questions on pregnancy, is what I am feeling normal, what can I expect from my doctors visits, how will I cope with growing this precious life? This is all so new, so terrifying and so exciting at the same time.

    To know that I can turn to my mother in this time of my life is so important, she gives me something that my husband could never do – in spite of how wonderful, amazing and supportive he is. She gives me the knowledge and wisdom of having been there before. No question is too trivial or too embarrassing, no fear seems too ridiculous and no crazy hormone induced emotion seems too unusual in her eyes.

    I just wanted to say you are doing amazing. Of course the news, I am sure, came like a bolt from the blue, and the initial disappointment at the timing, rather than the baby, was to be felt, but you are there for Torri. I hope, in fact I am sure, she appreciates the support that only you can give her at this time.

    On an ending note my mother was a very young mum, who feel pregnant out of wedlock at just 20 and the result was me. My dad and her have been happily married for 30 years and went on to have two more children. My younger sister has also just recently married and I expect we should soon have some exciting news about her first arrival – so your granddaughter could well be the one to ‘break the cycle’.

    Health and happiness to Torri for her pregnancy and the arrival of your first grandchild.

    1. First of all, Karen, congratulations on the impending arrival of your first child! And secondly, thank you so much for commenting. I remember being pregnant for the first time and feeling those same feelings of curiosity, fear and excitement. It is definitely a momentous time in any life.

      Thank you so much for your encouraging words. I prayerfully hope that Torri and her boyfriend, too, will look back after a long and happy life together and be able to remark about their beginnings the way your parents can–these thirty years later.

      I hope that your first birth experience is a happy one, Karen, and that your child will bring great joy to your family life!

  10. This really made me teary. Being both sad and happy at the same time is a roller coaster, isn’t it? My sister in law had a baby at 19 so I’ve seen this situation up close. My niece is now 14 and a beautiful young woman. You’re right that it’s not an easy road but the baby is certainly a blessing.

  11. So many emotions…expressed so beautifully. We look forward to meeting the new baby when he/she arrives. Love to you and your family.

  12. Your title stopped me in my tracks, and even though I really need to be preparing my Sunday School lesson, I wanted to finally finish reading your post. It has taken me all day!
    Everything happens for a reason, and God has given her you as the perfect means of support. I’m still having some trouble accepting that you and Jeff are going to be grandparents!

  13. Wow. I’m speechless. My 20 yo daughter (whom I became preg with at 16) came to me today and said she needed to talk to me. I felt a endless pit soar through my gut and the look on my face I’m sure said it all. She said she didn’t know yet but she went to the clinic to get the Norplant I have been begging her to get;as she is doing so well in college and has a chance at a great future, and I did not want a baby holding her back. She said they wouldn’t do it yet since she is…6 days late. She missed her pill a couple times. Both her best friends just had babies and I know she is feeling out of the loop, but I have stressed so many times how she is doing it the RIGHT way…finish college, get married, have a baby. I just have that feeling inside that this time (she has been late a couple times before) this time I think she’s going to have an announcement when she says…”um mom…”
    I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know how to react. I have so many emotions in overwhelmed with anxiety!! So I type in “how to feel when my 20 year old tells me she’s preg” and it brought me to this blog…..you said everything to a T how I am feeling, who I was, who I am, how I have raised my kids! I am speechless. I just want to thank you for letting me know I’m not alone. I still am hoping this is a false alarm, but if not… Well… Anew chapter in my life and hers begins. I’m gonna throw up now

  14. I am sick, sick, sick over hearing the news my 21 year old daughter is pregnant. She had a scare last year and I was VERY CLEAR that there are no good choices at this age. She has been living with my elderly mom so that she could have some freedom but still have to help my mom when needed. She was attending community college until she started flunking classes. Her “boy” friend was living there as well but now became her “boyfriend” 6 months ago and now is her “baby daddy” (God I hate that term). He works for a landscaping company and has no money and his family is dirt poor. She was diagnosed borderline Bipolar and is on two medications. She had been on the pill since age 17. The scare last year prompted a long talk about how having a baby any time soon would be a huge mistake on her part. I am finally enjoying my empty nest since my youngest daughter goes away for college and is flourishing, and I am selfishly angry that my quiet empty nest is now going to be disrupted. I assumed I’d become a grandma in my 50’s, not at 46. I have a very good job and don’t plan on raising the baby for her. I always knew my older daughter would be a challenge, she is a mini-me x 10 and with an attitude. She is terrified to tell her father since they are a bit estranged and he has hit some hard times (his own fault) and I don’t even want to know how my husband (my girl’s stepfather since ages 8 & 9) will react. He is old fashioned and is enjoying the quietness of our new country home. I’m not sure how to be happy for her when I know this is the worst thing that can happen to her. I had her at 24 and her sister at 25 and was married and financially secure at the time and was still hard. Advice???

    1. Love her. It’s not about you. “It’s complicated because I’ve been forced to embrace something that I never understood before. That is: I cannot control the choices my children make and, therefore, I can not claim responsibility for those choices.”
      God’s grace and mercy are poured out on us daily from the mistakes, the sin, the attempts to control, etc…yet He loves.
      Love her. 24 hours at a time if needed. Overwhelming yourself with predictions based on your knowledge or experience will just drive you crazy. So just love her. Each day has enough trouble of its own so deal in the moment, not the past nor the future..today. While it is called today, encourage someone…her. Guide but don’t control. Suggest but don’t boss. Most importantly, listen and don’t talk. Be honest…let each person own his/her own emotions and reactions..that’s what honesty is, right? You don’t know this is the worst thing that can happen….God’s thoughts and ways are higher than ours…Sometimes what is meant for evil, He uses for good. Maybe take a look at what’s driving your fear. Not all children conform to a parent’s ideal of what/who they should be. Love them anyway. We are all made differently and yes, it’s sad that they don’t measure up to our expectations…but we really aren’t the ones they need to need to base their self-worth on..cause sometimes we set the bar a little too high and fail to will them to reach it. Then what? Love covers a multitude of sins…let go of control and disappointment and do your best to trust that anyone can make better choices with time and knowledge. Teach her selfLESSness by example because she will have someone to put first…like loving parents learn to do.
      Thanks for the article!

      1. K…thank you! We just found out our 16 year old daughter is pregnant and we are in a fog of grief and loss and disappointment. Your comment is beautiful and is just what I needed to hear.

    2. I completely understand you. People tend to say it is selfish to not to want to take care of mentally ill daughter, her baby, and possibly the father. We need break also. It is. It our responsibility to fully sacrifice our lives, health and all for our kids mistakes.
      I can imagine how hard it is. We have adopted daughter, she is 18 , with borderline personality disorder, and maybe pregnant with teenager who hates us for no reason. She is not responsible, has moods, needs sessions at psych office every week, is on pill, it said she forgot to take few pills in row….abuses us emotionally, her boyfriend wants to beat up her dad, he trashes me all the time, he has mental problem also. There is no way she can live with us pregnant and having child with this man. He is not allowed in our house at all after he threatened us . So if she is pregnant she will have to move out . I am over 60 now, and cannot take care for her and the baby. I cannot let them live with us. I keep asking myself how this happened, and what to do. I do care for her, but cannot do more. The mental disorder is not treatable by medications. I already spent 7 very hard, very difficult years because of her problem. Now this. I hope she is not pregnant…so far this is nightmare. I do not know what to do. Yes we love them, but that does not solve the problem how to deal with situation. My only advice is to help find place for her to live with the father to go on with their lives. Are they thinking about getting married? At least he works, and I hope he loves her, and has no hate for you.

  15. Hi Darcie,

    Your story has touched me in so many ways as I am in a very similar situation. I was a teen mom and now find my unmarried 20 yr old college student pregnant. She is living with the dad and trying to figure out what’s next. I’m working through many different emotions right now but also working through some practical decision making. So far, we’ve supported her by paying 100% of her college tuition. While I don’t want to punish her or make life harder for her, I also don’t want to support her choice to live unmarried and start a family the hard way. Did you continue to pay for your daughter’s college expenses? What were the deciding factors? How much help is too much and what isn’t enough? I just want to do what is right and most helpful on the long run. Thank you for any thoughts!!

  16. Thank you for sharing. I find myself in a confused state and just needed to hear that with a positive attitude all will be ok. Thanks again.

  17. Love this and thank you for sharing!! I find myself sitting here overwhelmed because I also found out recently my 20 yr old college student is pregnant, yes I’m
    Disappointed as well as a slew of other emotions including crazy enough…..excitement!!
    So my Question is, how do you announce the pregnancy of your 20 yr old college student appropriately?
    Any suggestions?
    Thank you!

  18. Can we all just create a support group? I have the same feelings as every one of you. My 19 year old daughter, about to start college, is pregnant. Just typing this seems so surreal.

  19. It’s always nice to come across a words of kindness and wisdom. I too was pregnant at 16 and married the baby’s father. We have been married for 28 years. Our son and his 21 year old wife brought a beautiful baby girl into our lives 9 months ago. I was and still am concerned about their marriage as she is still very immature and it’s hard to watch.

    But that’s not why I’m here now. Yesterday my 20 year old daughter called to tell me she is pregnant. Her boyfriend is very good to her and has a great job to support her and the baby. No worries there. My situation is more of we don’t live in the same state at this moment and I’m struggling with the decision to move back there early before my husband finally retires. Financially we can do it. But I currently have my son and his family living with us to help them as he heads off to boot camp and training. My life has already been flipped upside down when they moved in, that dragging them to the state my daughter lives in is hard for me to process. I honestly just want to run and not tell anyone but my husband lol. The hardest day of my life was the day I had to say “see you soon” to our daughter. It’s been a hard year not seeing her and all those fun things we always did together. Now with this pregnancy I don’t know what to do.

  20. We just found out my 21year old, college student is pregnant. I am taking it in stride. Processing and planning needs. My husband on the other hand blew up on Saturday, cried 2/3 of the day on Sunday and after a beer fest announced it will all be his way or the highway. I was ready to let him go before this. I don’t know what to do. I want to kick his butt out and until he can respect the baby and the rest of us…He can take a hike.

  21. Hi

    Thank you so much for the post and also the comments. I recently found out my 20 year old daughter is pregnant. She had battled suicide attempts and depression over the last 2 years so this came as such a blow. However I know that the plans God has fir us are those of peace and not of evil and I rest in that.

    It has been a bit complicated as you say and I could not afford to react due to her fragile self so I am trying to keep it together.

    Keep up the posts as I was randomly searching for a life line and someone who has been through this and I found your posts.

    I welcome a support group :-)

    God bless

    A

  22. I’m thankful for your posts. This year my world has gone Crazy. We found out at the beginning of the year that my son and his high school sweetie were expecting. They are 23 and 24. Took it in stride, family wedding on Valentine’s Day. He already finished college, she finished in May. All good huh? Then in May my 20 year old daughter and her boyfriend of 9 months announce to my husband and I they are starting their lives and she is expecting. She has always had a tough time in school but had just finished her AA at community college and accepted to university!!!! She is still planning on going! Luckily local so we shall see. But since then she’s moved into an apartment, all of this was planned and promised before baby, our expense while she’s in college. Anyway I’m venting because I just do not see the commitment on his part. He’d rather stay with his parents and have her there, but that’s a whole other complication. He actually helps support them and his siblings. I feel like I need therapy! I was 33 and 35 when I had my kids. Lived a lot of life and career before I had them and it still wasn’t easy. My world is rocked! Thanks sisters for letting me vent and feel not so alone! Support group needed!

  23. My 19-year-old just broke the news to me today. It’s funny though, I knew when she was home last time to visit…well, I didn’t know, but I had that still voice that told me the next time I saw her she would be expecting. So I wasn’t surprised, but I was surpised. If that makes any sense at all. :)

  24. “I cannot control the choices my children make and, therefore, I can not claim responsibility for those choices.”
    God’s grace and mercy are poured out on us daily from the mistakes, the sin, the attempts to control, etc…yet He loves.”

    Thanks for this reminder! I’m actually serving as a missionary in a foreign country and my 28-year old daughter, who was already planning her October wedding, is now pregnant. I want to be happy, but I’m a little embarrassed because I know it’s not God’s plan for us. But it’s her life and her choices and I am thankful she’s choosing life because 36 years ago I choose to have an abortion. And I later came to a place of conviction and repentance. Still, how do I graciously share her news?

    1. You do it with the same love and the same grace that our Father extends to us. Saying it is easy. Doing it is much harder, isn’t it? I know you can. Best wishes to you and to your daughter and her future husband.

  25. Thank you for your encouragement. I am in that situation now. My daughter is 18. In her last year of high school. I’m embarrassed ashamed and disappointed. I feel like I failed as a parent. I try to see the positive said but cant.. I havent told by family or anyone, I dont want the judgement. I’m even more angry because I feel my life will be changed and put on hold because of her mistake. Selfish I know…. But we had so many plans and dreams not only will her life be put on hold but mine too. The young man is a sweet boy….but the family will not be much support. I’m praying everyday for acceptance but I still feel cheated. We are a strong family and I know things can and will work out. But right now I’m just angry.

    1. Hey, Teresa. First of all, hugs. I know how you feel. I’ve been on both sides of what you’re dealing with. I’m so glad you were led to my post. I want you to know that I felt exactly the things that you’re feeling. The failure. The shame. The heartbreak. None of it is wrong and none of it is selfish. It’s a process. I hope you find some degree of comfort in knowing that this too shall pass. I promise that it will. And I promise that this will not be the thing that defines your daughter or your grandchild. Or you. Not by any means.

  26. I just found out my 21 y/o daughter is pregnant. I’m dealing with lots of emotions because my path was very similar. I got pregnant while a senior in college, had my son and graduated. While I was pregnant, I met and became very good friends with the man who would become my husband. We have been married 24 years. Those decisions in college are life changing and defining. I didn’t want this for my daughter. I’ve had an open discussion with my daughter about decisions and consequences. There is some loss of not knowing who I would have been had I made different choices in college. I’m working on dying to my feelings and loving her like God has loved me. I keep reminding myself this is my baby and she’s scared / how else can I respond but in love. I must admit, I haven’t made it to the point of excitement yet(she’s 3 months). She is getting excited about the life growing in her and wants to have a gender reveal since the doctors now have confirmed the sex. I feel it’s too soon but it’s what’s she wants.

    Any ideas on how to approach this idea? We only told our parents a few months ago and most of our friends don’t know. I’m torn between let’s wait (because it’s more comfortable for me) or let her decide how she wants her pregnancy story to go.

    I appreciated the support

    1. I so understand your conflicting emotions. I really do. Especially the part about wondering who you might have become. My personal (Biblically-founded) belief is that God uses everything (the good, the bad and even our ugliest choices) for the good of His children. You included. Me included. And our children included.

      My idea on how to approach this situation, Tanya, is with all the love and all the support that you would have hoped for in her situation. Dig into your Bible for comfort. Know that this story is your daughter’s and He will use it to strengthen her faith and sanctify her. And maybe her child will bring about generational change. I’ll pray for that, Tanya. Thanks for your comment.

  27. Thanks for this post Darcie, I came across this post because I am finding it hard to accept that my kid sister is pregnant at 23. I am ashamed , disappointed at her and at Mum. I am thinking if it’s right for her to keep the baby or get married immediately. I don’t think she’s ready for marriage and the baby since she’s not working. I need help

  28. Thanks. Really needed to see this post. After, it was hard for me to accept the fact my 20 year old is pregnant. Unmarried, no job, & I had so many hi hopes & dreams for her.

  29. I’m walking this road right now myself. My 22 year old told us she was pregnant after graduation in The summer of last year. She was suppose to go in to get her nursing after graduating with her biology degree. All her father & I wanted for her was to be able to financially stand on her own should that situation ever arise or be able to finabcially contribute to her own family. She got pregnant to a guy non of us know who is a divorced father of two with tattoos everywhere. I know everyone says give him a chance & I have. It’s like every time I do I’m saddened. He up & quit his job even though he has to pay child support for his two other kids & while my daughter is pregnant & working & living with him. She just up & left her job here local that paid her well to move 2.5 hours away to live with someone none of us (her family) knows. Now I barely see her & they hang out with his pot smoking brother & his family who they say he isn’t that close to but boy he’s giving them all the holidays Thanksgiving & Christmas Eve. & we may get Christmas Day with us. It’s like we are second class in their eyes anymore. He’s told us lie after lie on every chance I’ve given to try again & make a friendly relationship with this guy. And yet my daughter stays. Says she doesn’t want her baby coming from a broken home. It’s like ever time I turn around my daughter is giving something up for him & never gets anything for herself. She takes care of his kids every other weekend fixing their breakfast, bath time & all while he watches his football. I’m like what happened to the strong girl I raised. I’m soooo confused. And he’ll probably never marry her, why would he when they can get government assistance with her as a single mother. Even if they do get married he’s already saying he doesn’t want a big wedding. He’s been married before she hadn’t. I’ve tried getting excited about being a grandma & I do but then reality comes back & I’m like am I wrong for giving her a babyshower? I bought her baby bed because she needed one & they sure are not going to have the money & my husbands gets on me telling me I’m contributing to her fairytale world. It’s really hard when you had all these dreams for your kids life & she is choosing the hard way. I just do not understand. I feel like I’m in a no win situation with my daughter & I do not know how to navigate this road I’m on. I don’t think he loves her at all. He has spoken unkind of her when I’ve been around & I had to stand there & take it when normally I would have torn into him. But to keep the peace I remained silent. I’ve prayed & prayed & I am finding it harder & harder to do so when everything seems to keep going down the same path. I know God’s time is awesome & I’m needing prayers not only for my daughter but our whole family & myself to keep strength in praying for God to move this situation to a place that God would be pleased with. I know that God has someone for my daughter & that I need to wait for Gods timing so pray please that my mothering instincts of wanting to protect her understands that I’ve got to let go & let God. She is such a sweet, smart, beautiful girl it just hurts the heart of this mother & father so much. Please God give us grace to stand.

  30. Thank you so much for this. Everything you said is exactly how I’m feeling. I had my daughter at the super young age of 15. She called me Sunday night and told me she is pregnant. She is 20 years old and not married or even in a serious relationship with the boy. Like you said, those 2 words carry so much weight and it’s been a whirlwind of emotions the past few days. Thank you for your insight and words. With His love and mercy, things will be ok

  31. I am a father who has just found out my daughter is pregnant at 22. She landed a great job 4 months ago. I am gutted….I agree with other posts of the false congratulations. I have often seen other families go through this and felt dread for them…Now it is me who is going through this..The lads family think this is great news..Which just makes me think even more that the world has gone mad…Well every cloud has a silver lining at least I will lose weight with worry.!!

    1. Gutted is a great word to describe those initial emotions, Paul. I remember so clearly the moment my daughter told me. I remember the weight of it. The disappointment. The worry. I tend to agree with you that the world has gone mad, but I don’t know…. I know this is easier said than done but I would encourage you to extend the “lad’s family” the benefit of the doubt on this one and assume that they’re choosing to look on the bright side and be supportive. Maybe that’s how their family operates through difficult situations? In any case, your daughter is not the first to experience an unexpected pregnancy. It doesn’t always end in the tragedy we assume it will. The world is an ugly place that has lots of beauty in it, too, if you focus on it. My money says that this grandchild is going to be beautiful indeed and that, in time, you’ll be able to be thankful, in spite of all of the circumstances. Hugs to you and yours.

  32. Appreciate the kind words…I am not positive for the near future, but accept the end result will be positive I’m sure…

  33. Wow, what an amazing testimony to share. I literally just found out my 20 year old daughter is 14 weeks pregnant about 15 minutes ago, and yes, like your article said, I googled what to do. She’s in her 3rd year of college and she promised to finish.
    As a pastor, I was shocked, but not upset. She doesn’t live with me, but I am still involved. I am happy for her. Her mom who lives near her is disappointed but will come along eventually. Thank you so much for your post.

  34. Thank you so much for sharing your story and for your encouragement. I haven’t read a more truer sentiment on the plethora of emotions and complications of dealing with being a mother who was teenage mom who now has an unmarried pregnant daughter.

  35. My daughter is 22 and is not married and in a relationship with her boyfriend, she is in college but doesn’t live with me, she lives with her boyfriend, now her friends is suggesting that I should make a baby shower but wants me to include all her friends (makes and females) I am disappointed with her wrong choices but I want to support her, but do not want to do her wishes as she is not married, what do you think I should do? Should I do a baby shower? She is one of 3 girls , I have 5 kids, and she is my first child pregnant, and the baby is my first grandson, do I have to listen to her friend?

    1. Ultimately you need to do what is right for you, but if it were me making the decision, I would host the shower. Here’s why: what’s done is done and there is no changing that. That’s not to dismiss your feelings; I completely understand your disappointment and heartbreak because I’ve been there, too. Hosting a shower for your daughter and her friends shows that you will support her in the ways you can. As an unmarried mom, she is likely to encounter some difficulties in raising this child. She will have to face the natural consequences of her choices (the ones you had hoped she’d never have to face). You, however, don’t have to be the one to make her life more difficult. Maybe you can sit down with her and let her know that you are disappointed in the choices she’s made but that you love her and you will love her child. In the end, you and I can’t control what our children do and we can’t protect them from the natural consequences of those choices, but we can continue to love and support them as they navigate the difficulties those choices result in. Best to you and your family.

  36. My 20 year old daughter just told me that she is pregnant. I feel. Like someone just punched me in the stomach and I know my husband does too. What is really upsetting is that we have never met the boy/young man! I was 22, married, and in the Army when I had my first child , and when my son was 4 months old when I decided or realized that his father was not interested in being married or being a father for the most part. I went through a lot being a single mom in the military, but I was blessed to find a friend, a husband and a great father all in one person 3 years later. All of her somewhat adult life I have always expressed how being a single parent is hard and very stressful. I had her when I was 27 and her sister when I was 30, and a bit more stable in my life and also had a career. My daughter is a college student and now I just feel as if she’s throwing her life away! I know in time my feelings will change, but as of right now I feel just as much disappointment as she does. I have to admit that after reading your blog it made me feel a little better, but it is still a hard pill to swallow! And the worse part of all is we have never met him and I had to tell my husband/her father over the phone because he’s on a month long business trip. We’re going to take one day at a time and breathe.

  37. Darcie I did google search my umarried daughter is pregnant. Your blog hit the nail on the head its every emotion i am feeling. I have cried all day at the vision I have had for my daughter since she was born. Its going to take more time to grasp this. I feel a part of me has died and i am going to wake from a horrible dream. But those were my dreams for her not hers. I am scared for her so much I cant breath. Thank you for sharing your story. I pray that I will make it to your ending.

  38. Thank you so very much for this article. My 20 year old daughter just told me tonight that she is pregnant. The very first thing that I said to her was, “well, my worst fear has come true.” NOT very supportive. That soon changed, & we cried together. I am still in shock & need to process. Thank you so much for writing this.

  39. Thank you for this post. My 22 year old is in this predicament and has given us trouble almost her whole life. When she told me, I was hurt, but not shocked. My hubby has been very vocal for years that if she ended up pregnant, that would be the final straw, and so I’ve been keeping this secret for a couple of weeks, praying for God to prepare his heart so he can treat her with the grace our Lord would. She’s lived with us for almost a year now and her far-from-the-Lord BF doesn’t want to rush into marriage and end up making another mistake, but insists on co-parenting this child. Neither of them are emotionally or financially ready for this. My daughter knows it and it’s overwhelming her (and me) Right now, I’m just incredibly grateful he insisted on life for this child and I’m trying to use that miracle to hang on with faith and hope that God will bring good out of this. I’m all the emotions you describe, but also terrified I’ll have to be the primary caregiver. I do not desire to raise another one. And then I feel awful that I’m so selfish. I’m on my knees constantly begging Him to make something good out of this.

  40. Although this post is old I have found it to be so encouraging. I feel sad as my daughter is unmarried, pregnant and in college. I had her at 19 and the last thing I wanted was the same type of hardship. I understand her life doesn’t have to be a mirror of my own but it is still difficult for me to process and knowing that I am not alone really helps. It’s like everything you said spoke my feelings for me. Thank you for being so transparent.

    1. Hi Diaisha! My sweet granddaughter, Charlie, is almost four-and-a-half. And, I’m happy to report, that our family would not be the same without her in it. Believe me when I tell you that I know how hard it is to accept something you tried so hard to help your child avoid. But they learn their own lessons and all we can do is the best we can do. You will love her through this and everything will be okay.

  41. just found out my 27 year old is pregnant as second time, but not married. With the same guy. Our first granddaughter born March. Second will be born next May. We have had a rough road but Gods Grace so present and have been healing and adjusting reletively well, now this. Biggest problem is the dad is controlling, manipulative, to the point of being a little scary sometimes. He’s pressuring our daughter to move in with him, yet we see a train wreck coming if that happens. Struggling and just not sure how to support our daughter, yet continue to enable her as the same time.

  42. Your daughter is lucky. I was pregnant. I am 25 years old and when I had the pregnancy, I was fresh out of college, living with my parents. I told my parents and they were not helpful. My mother offered only one tip of guidance “I will support any choice you make” She then blankly stared at me and that’s it. I was extremely anxious, depressed, and in panic mode. My father drove me to an abortion clinic. I have been crying ever since. I was 23 at the time. If your daughter is pregnant, I suggest not panicking, not thinking about yourself image and I suggest trying to offer advice such as coming up with a solid job plan.

  43. Darcie, this is a great read. How old was your daughter when you found out she was pregnant?

    1. I appreciate the kind words, Jessica. Thank you. My daughter had just turned twenty when she told me she was pregnant.

  44. Thank you so much for your post. My daughter who is 20 is pregnant. I found out about it in september and i am still struggling accept it. I am disappointed, angry,embarrasss and i dnt know what to do. I havent even told my husband yet( her step-dad), or anyone at all!! as am trying to deal with it yet. I really had so much hope and dreams for her. I really need someone to talk to. I feel like shes let me down so much. She is a really lovely girl. Loved by everyone. Everyone has always said she will go places because she was always hard working. Now shes pregnant, still in college! Her boyfriend whom i havent ever met, accepts the baby! I have told her she must move in with him. Am i doing the right thing? I feel like its the only way i will ever get over this and accept it. Seeing her everyday makes it hard for me to accept! Because i know shes carrying a pregnancy i resent. Someone help me pls. I feel so alone:-(

    1. It’s a really tough thing, Lydia. I understand. As someone who has faced the thing you’re facing now, I can tell you that this thing that seems like The End is absolutely a beginning. Granted, it’s not the story you imagined. As this new path unfolds, the way you choose to respond can make all the difference in the world. My advice to you is to first and foremost, act in love. Give grace. Nothing that you do now will change the reality that your family is facing, but the way you handle it does and will impact the relationship you have with not only your daughter, but also your grandchild. Leaning in to love and acceptance does not mean that you approve or that this is your ideal outcome; it means that you are strong. I hope all the best for your family.

  45. She is really lucky to have you has a mother.i wish my mum will try to forgive me and help me like you have done to daughter

  46. I’m so thankful for reading this. During an already mind blowing week last week, my 19 yr old told me she is pregnant. I had my first child at 18, so like you and many others I know some of the challenges ahead. It is so good to read these comments and just know that my own emotions are not isolated. While my reaction to her has been positive, my own emotions are on a roller coaster. God is so good, and I trust him for the journey ahead for her and this baby. I am 100% that Satan will take no ground from this, but we declare love and goodness, blessing and faith over this little one, … but still I am constantly teary. I think a lot of my emotions come from a place of hurt over the way I was treated as a teen pregnancy, and I pray that isn’t her story, but her story is one of love, acceptance and grace. I think your own emotions are so relatable. I’m not really ready to be a granny yet, but believe God is the giver of life and we will love and embrace this little one. In the weekend I was given a picture that God gave to a friend of mine (she doesn’t know about the pregnancy). It is a person in a sunflower field, lifting a baby in the air… her message was about joy, and the accompanying song about God’s faithfulness. How amazing! I can only find myself face down, leaning in, worshiping him because as He has proved ever faithful to me, He will continue with her. And then I cry again. :)

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