Jeff has come up with some great ideas in his lifetime. At least in the portion of it in which I’ve known him. Ideas that we could totally market – if we were ambitious like that.
Our infamous game, for instance: a Jeff original. Really, it was a collaborative effort – but mostly him.
Our Disney shirts? Same thing.
His most ingenious idea yet though? The Eggsacutor – a bumper mounted egg launcher that he insists should come as standard equipment on each and every vehicle in production today.
Drivers would have three eggs per month at his or her disposal. With the simple push of a button, you could launch eggs at offending drivers – all from the comfort of your plush leather seats.
Presumably I need not explain the motivation for his brilliant idea.
I, for one, am a huge fan. And you can play all high and mighty like you aren’t. But I know better. I mean, it’s a way more effective method than a honk of the horn. A flip of the bird. Angry gestures tossed at inconsiderate drivers via their rear-view mirrors.
Effective because, if your car was sprayed with egg after cutting off grandma in the beige Buick, well, you’d likely think twice before you pulled that again.
Right? Right.
I already have a few people in mind. You know. For when the Eggsacutor becomes more than just a dream that dances through my husband’s road rage dreams.
Here’s my list:
-Anyone with an Obama bumper sticker. Better yet – I’d launch the vomit from when I throw up in my mouth after seeing their sticker.
-Those with “Another Mama for Obama” stickers would get two. Eggs that is. One for Mama and one for bambino.
-Trucks with those über klassy ball sacks hanging from the trailer hitch.
-Anyone with a naked woman silhouette sticker. Including those adorned with angel wings or devil’s horns.
-You know those people who proudly display stickers boasting that their child can kick my honor student’s @$$? Uh-huh. Them. I’d have my honor student press the launch button.
-Guess who I’d save all three eggs up for though? The morons who have the nerve to drive around with “Short Bus” bumper stickers. And yes. Those do exist. That’s all I have to say about that.
So spill it. What kind of deserving driver would get your egg?
I would totally use an egg on that guy/gal that thinks just because they turn their turn signal on that it means they are free to pull into the fast lane driving 55 mph! Really?? What gives??
Oh no …. Jeff, you sound just like your dear old dad! Remember that trip to see the Rangers with your buddies? And Dad cursing at all the slow drivers in the “fast” lane???? That is his pet peeve! Me thinks you are more alike than you think!
My egg would be for those that like to drive 35 in a 55 zone … looking for their turn off, or the ones who are texting or talking on cell phones while driving! There oughta be a law!
I’ve always fantasized about an insulting horn system, paired with a megaphone, and signs… big bright blinking signs that say: yeah that guy with a huge blinking arrow that one would be able to maneuver from within the vehicle. The horn system would have a few “horns” you could choose from (nice turn signal jack A$$, your grandma is faster than you, ext.) the megaphone would come in handy for any important phrases that were not included in the horn options… and the big blinking sign? well that would be so you could call direct attention to the jackass, making sure everyone else knew of the offense and who was responsible. That would teach them.
I don’t think the egg thing would be a good idea. Why? Because 3 eggs a month are nowhere near enough to cover my road rage. I could keep chicken farms in business. And that’s just on a Tuesday. Yup, there would definitely be a soufflé shortage if I had an Eggsacutor 3000xi.
Hee hee!! I like that so far, you’re only focussing on the drivers’ bumper stickers!! I can’t wait til you get to people who actually drive badly. That’ll be a great post.
I’d launch one at folks who had the “Hilary is my homegirl” sticker proudly displayed and give all three at once to the cats who wait until the last. possible. second. to merge out of their “lane is closing” lane over into yours. That gets on my ever-livin-last-nerve and I NEVER let them over if they wait until they get to that point before merging.
Oh I love you. Literally LOL on this one. I agree with many of the above (Julie I so hear you on the merging!)
I would use them on people with the bumper sticker that says ‘Doing my part to piss off the Christian right.’ I know I shouldn’t give them the satisfaction, but I couldn’t help myself.
Also people who are in the center lane, about to miss their turn, and decide to stop and completely block traffic until they can cut across 2 lanes. Grrr! Why they can’t go down and turn around and come back is beyond me. I guess they are always super-important, better-than-the-rest-of-us types. Which is totally egg worthy in my book.
Anyone who displays any of those hippie, uh, I mean, liberal bumper stickers. Your Obama worshippers would be included. As well as any anti-Bush stickers. And probably anyone smacking prolifers.
If I have any eggs left over (probably won’t because I live in a blue state), I’d target those who don’t use turn signals.
**SPLAT!**
I love the idea of this contraption. I would never pull a gun, but sometimes you sure want something more than your horn to let the offending driver know that you’re seriously frustrated. I’ve thought of a slingshot shooting paintballs (which would wash off), but an egg shooters is a similar concept and probably better.
And the list of egg-worthy offenses? As far as bumper-stickers go, I just love (heavy sarcasm) those “coexist” stickers with all the appropriate symbols and the “focus on your own damn family.”
But I’d definitely be saving my eggs for actual driving misbehavior – cutting in front of me and slamming on your brakes, trying to cross the intersection when you have far too little time, parking and taking up two spots when the garage is packed (I know – the offender would only discover the attack later, which would be disappointing) – those are the ones I think of right now.
And of course, being an attorney, I have to add that the laws would have to be changed to allow the egg shooting device, such that the splattered driver could not sue the shooter for assault and battery, which it would otherwise be . . . I’ll start lobbying for that right way, as soon as I finish my million other projects :)
Ooohhh!! My husband always thought it would be a good idea to have your cell phone as your license plate number… so you could call the offending driver and tell them what you thought. This sounds so much more fun, though!
I agre with the Darcie about the hanging ‘anatomy’ on the trucks, and I have HUGE problems with the people who think it’s ok to drive 5 (or 10) miles under the speed limit on one lane roads. I would keep a supply of eggs on hand because honestly, I think it would take a few before they realized that they were doing something annoying!
People who fail to use turn signals.
I’d love to launch an egg and the drivers who are smoking and talking on their phones (which is illegal here). Grr! That really pisses me off. ;)
I loved this.
I have terrible road rage sometimes.
Those trucks with the ball sacks are sickening! I don’t get why people would do that; it’s not attractive.
My list of drivers who would receive an egg splattering from me would include the following:
-People who try to cut me off on those roads where the right lane has to merge into the left lane. I don’t appreciate it when I got in the left lane a long time ago because I knew how the road was, and people see the ‘RIGHT LANE MUST MERGE’ sign, yet they wait until the very last minute and try to cut me off. Not happening. I’ll let them run into the curb before they’ll cut me off.
-Illegal lane users. Particularly when the light is green and I am turning right, and someone else across the intersection turns left and decides to come on into my lane and get a little too close to my car for comfort. Technically, if the light is green, I have the right of way to turn right. If you’re going to turn left at the same time, so be it. Just ATTEMPT to stay in your own lane so you don’t scare the crap out of me.
-People who feel the need to cut me off in the interstate (our highest interstate speed limit in Illinois is 65 mph) when I’m already going about 75… what, 75 isn’t fast enough for ya?! It’s not like I’m going really slow or anything, so I don’t understand why people are in THAT big of a hurry… ’cause I feel guilty for going 10 over sometimes.
-People who tailgate me on the interstate (I hate it when people tailgate me in general, but it scares me much more on the interstate). Umm, the interstate is an area in which people are going high speeds. I don’t feel comfortable with people right on my bumper when, if I braked just a little, they could slam right into me. *shudder*
That’s all I can think of for now. I’m sure there are many more things that bother me on the road, I just can’t currently think of them. :)
The idiot who cut me off and then slammed on their brakes while driving home late last night in the middle of a horrible thunderstorm that had enough rain that you could hardle see even with the wipers going full speed. Actually, I would’ve followed that guy home and then launched the eggs directly at him when he got out of his car….
That sounds a lot easier than what a usually do…throw a handful of pennies a them. Ahem..just kidding….
What about people that cross the cross walk and slow down when they see you are waiting on them!
OH, SNAP. You totally just egged my car with the first one. But you know what? I’d still love you. The vomit launch? *That* might be a deal breaker.
This is the funniest post I’ve read in awhile! I would need eggs for all of the reasons you mentioned. I’ve never seen a short bus sticker. They deserve vomit, in my opinion! I’d also like one for all of the darn trucks that have a calvin character peeing on whatever make of vehicle their’s isn’t.
Love this post! I’d launch them at cars I see where the parents apparently don’t care enough about their children to buckle them in. And who smoke with their children in the car. And those who decide to ride my butt like a brokeback cowboy even when I’m already exceeding the speed limit; chill, dude! (This thing can shoot backwards, right??)
Love the idea! If you ever do it, you should start buying stock in eggs too – double your profits!
1. People who cut me off
2. People who merge poorly
3. People who wait to come to a stop, especially when it’s on one of the sides with my children. (can it shoot sideways??)
4. People who ride my butt, and I’m already going over the speed limit
Thanks! I feel better already! Very freeing!!
This post is too funny! Love. It. And all of you who need more eggs per week than your allotted three, we’ll hook you up with some from our fine feathered lady chickens that call our back yard their home! ;)
As for who would get my eggs… I’d just pick a parking spot in Target’s parking lot and launch at anybody not using the proper “lanes”. You know the ones that just about broadside you when they’re cutting through from one side to another? Hate. That.
Ball sacks???? Seriously? I haven’t seen those around me.
I’m totally with you on those first two and also on Heather’s (Doing my best to piss of the Christian right?) Just saw one of those the other day and really had to restrain myself.
My husband and I talk about something like this all the time. I would suggest having a mega model for people who need more eggs because of the ignorant people who happen to live around them.
I would use my eggs on people who drive well below the speed limit in the left lane, especially those that are not paying attention because they are on their cell phones, teenagers who speed through my neighborhood without regard for the little kids playing, and people who have any kind of bumper sticker with a curse word (someday my kids will be able to read).
What do you think your in the backwards state of Az. dont they let people carry concealed weapons and drive with open containers maybe oneday az will catch up with the rest of the united states..lol btw i would have one 4 anybody that has a sticker that states …cheer 4 queer