I was scrolling Facebook this morning and came across an article that one of my friends had liked. Titled, “My ‘Naked’ Truth,” it details an experience the 59-year-old female author had with a 55-year-old man she met on a dating site. I’d encourage you to read it for yourself before you finish reading this post.
Did you read it? Okay, good. Let’s proceed.
I understand that it is very current and politically correct to applaud a woman’s confidence in her appearance. Upon reading Robin Korth’s article, though, it wasn’t the issue of her self-image (or what Dave had said and done to influence it) that stood out for me. Rather, it was what Ms. Korth had done to initiate the whole sequence of events.
Here’s the problem as I see it: Ms. Korth climbed into bed with a man that–by her own admission–she didn’t know all that well. In her article, she states that she “longed for the full knowing of this man”, hence the reason for the weekend away together. Yet, in spite of not knowing him all that well, she expected that he would be aroused by her mature body and make love to her. It seems to me that Ms. Korth is disillusioned and is missing a key point. That is: sex and intimacy are two related but separate entities. Any two (or more) people can engage in sexual acts. Most often, when casually dating couples have sex, emotions take a backseat to much more carnal, physical needs. Intimacy is totally different. By definition, intimacy is “close familiarity,” the kind that is rooted in a deep, meaningful relationship, like, oh I dunno, marriage? Here’s an illustration:
In her piece, Ms. Korth blames Dave for inflicting horror upon her. And then in the comments that follow the article, she states that Dave’s suggestions made her feel objectified and belittled. I don’t doubt that. But Dave alone is not to blame. When Ms. Korth made up her mind to engage in sexual relations with Dave, a man with whom she was not in a committed, intimate relationship, she objectified herself. She allowed her body to be used as a means to an end. She doesn’t state whether she was looking for love, or just sexual gratification, but either way, she put her body up as an offering to get there. Why, then, should Dave be villainized for honestly sharing his thoughts about the object she was offering up (her body)? If it was love she was looking for, his response communicates that she has the wrong idea about his intentions for the relationship. And if it was strictly sexual gratification she was after, anyone who has watched even a single Discovery Channel nature program can tell you that one willing partner does not a couple make.
In her article’s closing, Ms. Korth takes one last look in the mirror and claims every inch of her body with love, honor and deep care. I’m glad to hear that. I hope it’s true. I hope she loves, honors and cares for her body and her soul enough not to give it away so freely next time.
I totally agree with you, wife. For starters, it is totally unrealistic to expect a man who is willing to have a tryst with her without the establishment of love to look past the imperfections of her body. It is easy to blame it on unrealistic media presentations, but more fair to simply admit that ‘Dave’ was 100% honest with her. As I age, I am fully aware that I don’t have the body of my youth and wouldn’t expect anyone to lie to me and tell me otherwise. However, that’s the beauty of being in a deep, amazing, loving relationship with you – we are growing old together and love each other to the point where we find each other beautiful because we see each other through our far biased eyes.
Same. <3
Amen sister. And Jeff.
Dave does sound like a schmuck though.
Yea…Dave is a schmuck.
Agreed. Total schmuck.
THANK you for putting into words what I couldn’t put a finger on. I knew something about the whole thing rubbed me the wrong way. And your Jeff is a keeper. :-)
He really is :)
Hello Darcie,
I’m Dave. While reducing the size of my email mountain today, I reviewed my “drafts” folder to see if there was anything still worthwhile sending. As it happened, there sat an email I had written to Ms. Korths, but had not sent. As I still feel a certain fondness for her and wish her well, I chose to google her to see how her career was going. Imagine my surprise to find out, from your article, prominently displaying my name on the first page of results that Ms. Korth had written about me. I read your article and managed to find the objectivity to commend you here in writing for understanding at least in part, that every story (no matter how compellingly written by her to engender empathy for Ms. Korths), has more than one side.
Aside from the unprofessional mentioning me by name (yes, that’s my real name), Ms. Korths both misrepresented our conversations and failed to acknowledge her complete disregard for our mutually stated commitment to full communication of the things that were important to us by unilaterally excommunicating me. She clearly disregarded or perhaps completely failed to comprehend that the distinctions that I held and explained to her at length, between “making love” and “having sex” for me was important to me. Our “break up” indicated she had far more intent on having sex that weekend than developing the emotionaly intimacy required for “making love”. And when that became clear to me, she certainly showed her disdain for a frank discussion about the things that (again – perhaps would be important to her partner) might arouse each of us if sex was what we were after.
I felt the woman with whom I had been sharing and investing time and emotional energy was completely unaware that I wasn’t ready (physically or emotionally) for targeted orgasms. And she was only interested in the foreplay as she intended it, completely ignoring both the ingrained (NOT her fault) discomfort I felt and the reasons I explained for my discomfort. I didn’t ask her to debase herself in any way, nor insisted on “having it my way” rather I still tried to accommadate her wishes. When she forced me to answer questions (I swear they were “no win” questions – born out by her misrepresentations of what they were in print) it became apparent she thought I was rejecting her body. I did not disparage her body, nor state ” I just can’t get excited with you.” I did say that seeing her naked was not itself cause for arousal, that neither of us had the smooth skin of youth, and that it may be necessary for some other types of stimulation if she wanted intercourse. But she refused to listen to the ways she might accomplish her goal (none of which were more than titillation and definitely not degrading in any way) only continued to assume that the way she got turned on would be the best/only/enough of a way(?) to get me turned on.
Perhaps the weekend’s explorations towards further compatibility were not such a bright idea. No matter whose they were, I was clearly invited into her bed, and I felt betrayed by her lack of empathy and consideration for my feelings and her dogged determination to seek out her own affirmation of desirability at the expense of my comfort. Thank goodness she found it on her own.
I’m glad you wrote this article, because I’ve experienced something similar myself. (M,52, good looking, educated, smart, witty…)
Older accomplished women want to date up. They want a man who is smarter, better educated, more accomplished, in better shape, etc. Unfortunately for these women, the pickings seem to be slim, especially when it comes to the fitness/sex side of things. Or so the women I date tell me…
A lot of women like Robin look to men that are younger than them. In this case Robin is 59 and Dave is 54. What nobody is saying is that Dave is probably dating women aged 45 and up. And while Robin is an attractive woman, she probably isn’t as attractive as some of the 45 year old women that Dave is dating.
The other aspect is that Robin is probably a hard ass. She’s intelligent, educated and opinionated. And she probably wants to spar with Dave and other men she dates. Frankly, men are tired of this behavior. And I love strong, intelligent women. But there comes a point when a man wants a woman that isn’t demanding and is easy to get along with.
Let’s be honest here… the world is flooded with 50+ accomplished single women. The ratio of 50+ accomplished single women to accomplished, fit single men is probably 3:1 by my estimation. A fit, accomplished man literally has the pick of class. There is no need to look at older women, however great they may think they are.
I’m really sorry that Robin’s ego was smashed. Actually I’m not. Are men allowed to go around angry because a woman they thought should have wanted to have sex with them didn’t ? No. So why should Robin get to write a book about it ? Can you say solipsism ?
Why couldn’t Dave say, “I’m Just not that into you.” No pun intended. There’s no reason or excuse for belittling insults. Dave needs to grow up.