If you’ve visited a theme park recently you’re accustomed to the security screenings they do just outside the gates of said park where they rifle through your bags in search of concealed weapons and the like. I’m always a disappointment to those rent-a-cops though because the most exciting thing in my purse is a just-in-case pantyliner and a tiny tube of Play-doh to keep Jayce occupied in a pinch. This past weekend at Sea World the guy checking me for contraband asked if I carried mace or pepper spray. Um, no? Am I in the minority on that? Hmm. Anyway, I’m glad they do those haphazard checks to prevent gang bangers and ax murderers from going crazy while they wait in the bleachers for Shamu to appear, but I think that in this day and age they should maybe take those screenings a step further in an effort to prepare touristy types for proper theme park procedures. And, having just returned from a Southern California theme park (on a national holiday no less, bad idea btw) I thought maybe a few suggestions from lil ‘ol me might prove helpful in the quest to ready guests for the experience.
I’m thinking everybody should pass a simple test before they can gain entry. And, just to simplify, this little test I’ve concocted requires a 100% score. Those who can’t muster up should not be permitted entry into any theme park, concert, or any other public venue for that matter. I mean really. I’d gladly pay ten or even twenty dollars more per person if everyone I shared the park with on any given day had passed this simple multiple choice test.
Stopping in a crowded midway as hundreds, if not thousands, of people attempt to maneuver the park is:
a) generally conducive to the overall flow of traffic.
b) A-Okay, by golly, especially if little Katelyn suddenly needs a fresh coating of sunscreen!
c) rude, self-centered and completely obnoxious.
Personal Space is:
a) relevant, depending upon from which country you hail
c) something most American people value and hold near and dear to our hearts. Infringing upon aforementioned personal space is not recommended.
Cutting in line is:
a) okay, as long as you feign ignorance while speaking in a foreign tongue.
b) okay, as long as your child leads the way and you innocently tag along.
c) annoying enough to warrant a swift, though completely accidental, elbow to the ribcage.
Bathing suits as attire are:
a) hot and sexy.
b) flattering, especially if your boobs dip dangerously close to your waistline and swing low like sweet chariots.
c) acceptable only for a day at the pool or beach, and only then with a proper cover up.
Arriving to a show at the last minute and asking those who’ve been waiting in the hot sun for thirty minutes to move out of the prime seats to make room for your tardy family is:
c) reason enough to be drop kicked.
I know, I know. I look all sweet and innocent and PC on the outside. But once you let me cook in the sun and surround me with hoards of corndog eatin’, funnel-cake totin’, bad breath havin’, sweaty, pushy people who don’t know the meaning of the word ‘considerate,’ I tend to crack a bit. Rest assured, no theme park goers were hurt during the research portion of this post.
One or two might have come close though.
I’m just sayin’.